if i got the course that i wanted would it make a difference?

this push is not enough. 
i need to feel it.
want the danger and thrill of prolonging it,
stalling it until my brain crumbles in pressure.

i'd rather do another than my own.
idek if that was gramatically correct.
my past counterpart would definitely be fuming.
beet red, chest heaving and quick breaths in a rage.

whatever, it's a new day.
the midnight wasted away by my impulsive desires.
sparing no thoughts, or even an ounce of care.
i simply am not here in this plane.

i'm far away from my body.
thats my current fantasy these past few days... no months.
detached, disinterested, dispassionate...
unmotivated and failed, thats what i really am.

but yes, I won't move from where i'm currently standing.
won't even check or spare a quick glance.
give me more time to recharge, recuperate.
just give my future self a chance.

or don't. i brought this predicament to myself anyways.