TORTURE

Do you ever feel so grateful for a moment you’ve shared with another person, a moment so drenched in presence that you wouldn't want to imagine living in any other second but the one you’re experiencing? Please reciprocate what I'm giving, please don’t push me toward detachment when all I crave is connection.   

Their feelings become indistinguishable from yours merging into a singular laugh, or kiss or maybe it's something so bare and unadorned as a glance in your direction, and no matter how hard you try, it will always be impossible to recreate. You live between the blinks and your world for the time being isn’t just you. I swim in these moments. It's an entire sea's worth of offerings. 

I can't help but think about the certain sadness that comes along with that. I’m sad for the rest of the world who don’t know my moments and for myself too because I know nothing of theirs. Then dread comes slowly after that, but it’s a lot slower than the blissful seconds that instead feels like they are charging at me. My memory litters crumbs in the form of sentiment or desire and it’s just never enough. Some people say “nothing lasts forever” like it’s a good thing but to me this is what loss truly feels like.