12-29-21

It’s that time of year again. The time where it feels

like my life is Falling apart again. It sucks. A lot. I feel like I’m in pain but I’m not hurt anywhere. Well I am hurt, just not physically. It used to be so easy to hide everything. Why cant I just pretend like I used to? Everything was fine back then. No One worried, I wasn’t on the verge of breaking down all the time, my family was more stable than it is now. Im grateful for everything I have and have had. I always will be. But sometimes I want to disappear. Pretend like I never existed. I feel the same as I did three Decembers ago. I don’t want to go back to the hospital. I don’t have to. I just hate feeling like shit all the time. I hate this so much. I hate feeling like this. I hate myself. I hate everything I do. I wish I didn’t mess everything up. I don’t want to go away, really, I just don’t want to be here right now. I want to be alone and cry my heart out. I can’t do that. I wish I could but I can’t. I feel like everyone is going away from me. I really don’t like this.

-N