State of being

I genuinely think suicidal thoughts is a state of being  cuz it gets me stuck . I mean sure I'm gonna think of ending it literally multiple times a day but I'm too pussy to act on it.

I'm not normalizing it but I don't think I'm depressed or need therapy .I'm just gonna be depressed and not act on it and maybe suppress it until I die of a heart attack at 45 .

But I feel like I'm not unique or different or alone,in a subjective sense as in not many people that I share my thoughts with but sure ther3 are people thst care abt me. But I feel like if I just went around telling people everything in my head they'd just look at me either in horror or in pity or some other icky emotion thst I don't like.

I mean Objectively there isnt much to live for  I'm not rich ,good looking ,a social butterfly that's really loved.

But subjectively the few things that I do have I think make me wanna survive a little more like  maybe my parents that'll be in horror when they see my lifeless possibly smashed corpse getting  carried away on a stretcher with no hope ("smashed " cuz fun fact my proffered way is to jump off lol) so yeah that's it . I don't think I'm gonna go willingly anytime soon