my thoughts because i can't sleep

hlo world lol

it's 3 a.m and i want to share my thoughts???? because i don't wanna wake up my boyfriend, and all my friends are sleeping (for obvious reason it's 3 a.m you know?!?!!!??? normal people sleep in these time) BTW! I HAVE REAL MENTAL ISSUES. last week I met with a psychiatrist, and she told me, like, "girl, you have BPD, but it's okay." and she gave me a prescription. i'm taking the pills now (and I'll have to take them for, like, six months, T.T). back in March, another doctor diagnosed me with BD (bipolar disorder), and I took antidepressants for 3 or 4 months, but that treatment didn't help. i was in a really deep depression (I was finishing my last year of college at the time) and had destroyed my relationship with a guy I had been dating since school. It was horrible. but I managed to get through it then.

and I hope I can handle it now. I'm in a new relationship, I'm happy, I work, and I have two dogs. everything is good! But I don't feel alive (?????). i know it's strange. am I happy? am I good? am I fine? do I hate my life, or is it okay? I don't know. more precisely, I'm not sure. i go to a psychologist, take pills, but I'm constantly in a decline. i work with children, and it is important for me to be in a good mood, but I can't! and it kills me. i can't give enough at work, I can't give enough at home, and I feel inadequate.

BTW, I'm a strong girl. there are 14 days until my birthday and 24 days until the New Year. (where can I get money for gifts?!!?!?!!! T.T)

okay, I've spoken out, and I feel better. I don't know why I'm writing this. I just want people to know that any problem can be overcome, I guess? a big hello to people with my diagnoses (and just regular psychological problems) — you are strong, guys.

I love everyone <3