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december fifth, 2025 

mood: idle hands by vial

status: alive 

🤍  🤍  🤍  🤍  🤍

i talked to 💚 a bit more than usual today. i miss them. it’s pathetic, im sure, they seem to have moved on just fine and im glad they could. but i miss them, they never want to talk to me anymore and i feel so insanely guilty about what i did. i never wanted to break up. my parents found out, and were upset i was dating someone who (at least to their knowledge) was the opposite gender. my dad was fuming, and we got into this bad argument, and he said he would kick me out if we didn’t break up; i am a minor and would be left with little to nothing if he did so. so i pretended i feel out of love with 💚. they cried, and i felt so guilty about it, but then they moved like it was nothing. and now im too late to say anything. i should move on, too, i don’t know why i haven’t. 

i don’t know if i deserve a relationship anymore. i can’t imagine anyone actually loving me. the closet i got to mutual love was with 💚, and thats long gone. i can barely get my friends to talk to me or hang out with me, so im sure a relationship would be hell on earth. i feel like people have to walk on ice around me, because of my trauma history, and that doesn’t help, either. i can barely love myself. it’s hard to believe i was once wanted. i only have myself to blame.

anyway, i have an insane amount of homework to do, and it’s eating me up. xoxo 

-roko