don't wanna grow up, i wanna get out

why am I such a person? i was listening a man talk recently. and the man said, "You say you don't feel anything. Because you have often thought about past events so much that you can't feel anymore, because you have left all your feelings in the past." Today, I read something like "People who live independently of society act against nature." in Aurelius's book. what can I do except isolation? when I engage with society or people, I feel nothing but nausea and disgust. if I'm gonna feel anything, i have to feel good emotions. however i can't feel anything but sadness, disgust, hatred, shame. i have a stupid life, a crushed soul, a cold heart, eyes that looking but not seeing, ears that don't wanna hear. i think my body has disappeared like my emotions, or it wanna disappear like my feelings. Help me, brother Aurelius. because everything is so messed up and one of the messed up thing is me.