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december fourth, 2025 

mood: goodtime by be your own pet

status: alive 

🤍  🤍  🤍  🤍  🤍

i’m very tired. i had my concert today, and not to sound egotistical or anything, but i think i did well and everyone else was dragging me down. it was something about the violin section, they couldn’t quiet keep up with the tempo. and of course i’m not mad at them, not even disappointed. but they went around doing that thing kids do, saying “oh we did so bad,” “beginner orchestra cooked us”, etc etc. and i can’t help but not be on board. we did fine, or at least i did, 

other than that i was very alone. i’ve come to realize that the majority of my friends are not and were never there for me, which is sad, but other than them i have nowhere to go. the second i go home im alone again, so i might as well have no friends at all. it sucks. it really does. the most im there for is birthday parties, and the last of which i wasn’t even invited to. i know plenty of people, and maybe they count as friends, but i don’t know know them. we don’t hang out after school or tell each other secrets. and no one ever talks to me, either. i have to go out of my way for someone to text me or call me. i don’t feel wanted, i feel like a leech. a fucking leech. 

so yeah. life sucks right now. not to mention my grades. they’re slowly plummeting because i can’t get shit done i try so hard but i can never seem to improve. i was so close to getting that adhd diagnosis, too. that would’ve changed everything, maybe gotten me help? but we can’t afford it for whatever reason. that’s okay, i’ll survive. i’ll try my best. xoxo

-roko