> life hasn't been a thing i've been too fond of recently

beware! it's a rant with a lot of sad thoughts! if you're mentally weak - refrain from reading, please 

this is like a little something i can't yet share with anyone i know, but i feel a desperate need for all this to be written. i mean, my dear friends of 7 years know me on this website so hey! please forget about this once you read it! i am heavily embarassed, lol
i feel comfortable sharing personal stuff in english because it doesn't feel as serious as if i'd share it in russian (mother tongue, for ones unfamiliar with me). words don't feel as heavy in english anymore and i genuenly don't know how to phrase it all in russian. so this is a sole reason i thought why it is easier to write it down this way as if it's not me but another person who is writing all of this.

☆゜・。。・゜゜・。。・゜★
i always stood strong on the idea that emotions and struggles must be shared with other people, especially with close ones. i always wanted to be a like a "sponge" for my friends' tears - i wanted to help by being there, by talking to them and making them unveil their struggles before me. i am the keeper of many things i was told about and i am so very proud to be trusted by so many people that i care deeply about. 

at the same time - i noticed that i can't allow myself such luxury. everything i say at the verge of my weakest moments makes me feel like a victim which i am not. seeing other people's struggles makes me feel spoiled, dumb, egoistic and lazy. everything that makes me feel mad or struggling comes solely from my own actions and words like "oh don't be too harsh on yourself" will not help me in any way. every descision i make, every thought that i have - i know for sure it will lead to self-destruction. it feels like a swamp in which i've been drowning for years and not even trying to hold myself up at the surface. i turned 21 this year and speaking genuenly - i feel like i am so hopeless. a cowardish child in a body of an adult, who will forever remain the same. i have no hopes, no aspirations, no will to get better and no love for myself. i know for sure - i am more positive and mentally strong than some people i know. but this strengh comes from what it seems like apathy and my will to live just to please other people. i am surely fun to be around, but i don't want to stay a clown forever. i feel like i don't know enough about anything and i don't do anything to actually learn. i feel that i keep forgetting stuff and i don't do anything to help my memoery. i feel like i am just so indifferent to so many things, hoping that "it will all work out" to the point that... nothing seems like it will work out anymore. struggles just stack up and i am the source of all of them. not only for myself, but for my family too. 

i feel like i will never succeed academically (i am literally so, so passive at uni - i do the bare minimum with no interest in doing something else regarding science while even my groupmates are so very productive). i will never succeed at work (who f&#cking needs an asian studies degree, dude?!). i will never succeed as an adult. i will never succeed as someone's partner (i just don't know how it is - 21 years of living and barely had a boyfriend). i will never succeed as a mother. 
i can only be a friend - i know it's important role looking from 3rd person perspective. but i can't stop the time and be a friend forever. and i am scared as shit of the time. it slips through my fingers and i make no effort in making it stop. i am sick and i am not looking for cure. this actually applies to my physical health too - teeth problems, heart problems, terrible body shape (which also leads to me having a ton of insecurities about it), bad physique, horrendous habits and sleep schedule... see, all this - and i am still awake at almost 5 am, sitting at the laptop with my back bent like a shrimp and thinking about tomorrow's dose of tobaco. i am truly unfixable. 

my character traits are also not the best ones when i am with my own mother - losing temper easily, making victim of myself. i feel like a hypocrite for never showing this side of me to my friends. not like i had the urge, but despite anything i never got as mad at someone as dare to when it comes to my mom. i am the source of so many conflicts in our household and so many grey hair on my mom's head. i instantly regret everything i say, but words can't be taken back adn the damage is being done. and i am so genuenly sorry all the time. but the guilt vanishes into apathy - again, my way of escaping.

the desire to never exist hits me hard, very hard in the recent weeks. i want to fall asleep and never wake up. to un away from all my worries, or start over again at the age of like 10.


i feel like a wasted human. but i will continue to exist. even though the life i promised to my dearest ones will never happen. 

i know i have better life than many, less struggles than many i know and yet - i am such a waste.

i don't want my life to be a tragedy, but i want to stay at this swamp i got myself into. i don't deserve even an effort from other people trying to help me. how can you help someone who's willingly stuck in one place.
i never planned my life to be so long. and because of this i don't know what to do with my life. death,disappereance and non-existance seem like my only allies i am too scared to accept now.

...｡12月05日 4:50 am