Changing my major and challenging myself

I am changing my major. Maybe psychology, maybe music. I find myself wanting to live a fulfilling life and I fear I will be on my deathbed regretting my current decisions. I long to be a performer and I want to create emotional music that allows people to feel alive listening to it. I want to explore being human thought an auditory sense.

I have terrible performance anxiety. The idea of playing music and singing infant of people seems fun to me. But actually doing it makes me want to melt and die. Previously, whenever I preformed for my class on stage I would sing a line and walk off. The feeling of eyes on me is uncomfortable and unavoidable. Which is weird because I desire to be seen and I want people to see me preform.

I was talking to one of my professors that have shared that he has experienced strong anxiety at my age. He shared with me some advice, I need to challenge myself to overcome this anxiety by exposure. He also gave me good hiking spots near campus so I am able to hike.

I have had this desire to hike recently. I find myself longing for the outside and traveling the world. I find myself becoming more existential as the days go on. I need to find meaning and fulfillment in life. I think if I never gave being a musical artist a true chance I'd regret it. I'd long for it for the rest of my life. Even if it's not for me, even if my music sucks, even if people think my lyrics are corny, I long for it. I desire to create and for people to hear it. 

To long for something, to be moved by desire and feel so deeply. That's all apart of being human, those are aspects I haven't truly understood until now. I spent most of my life miserable and apathetic. Trying to be vulnerable and be in touch with my emotions physically hurts. I have felt so deeply that it's almost impossible to express so I ignore it. I don't want to do that anymore. 

I feel deeply, and these overwhelming emotions are what humans feel. It is to be human. I want to explore that all through my music.