Your favorite movie and The mortifying ordeal of being known

I thought about all this after having watched the 2001 Japanese film "All about Lily Chou Chou". It's a beautiful dreamy film about growing up in the early age of the internet. About realizing you can only be yourself when talking to strangers online.

One of my friends showed it to me and some other people . He had talked about it for a while and I could tell he was excited jet nervous. It's a special way people talk about art they hold dear, they wax poetically about how profound it is but they also feel like they need to justify their love of it. 

Some even backtrack after recommending it, mocking the art or their own fondness of it. So if others were to dislike it, it would hurt less. It's an understandable defense mechanism considering how intimate it can be to show something that hit you so hard. 

Watching a film and feeling seen and understood in a way you've never felt before is both euphoric and horrifying.

I thought about all of this while watching the  2001 Japanese film "All about Lily Chou Chou".  This movie is very good, I can tell that for some it might even have been life changing.

It was not for me though.

It could have been, it had the potential to be but it was not.

I searched for a reflection of myself in the mist of the flickering pictures. But I did not find myself looking back. I did however find my friend. He who feels lost in the world. He who makes art starting with the questions of life. He watched this film and was able to put a name on something he never could before. 

I found his reflection looking back at me.

I do understand him though, for there is a film that makes me feel the same blend of horror and cathartics. To look at the screen and see it look back. 

I Saw the TV Glow is a psychological horror drama film written and directed by Jane Schoenbrun and it might be my favorite film of all time. Watching it for the first time is the closest to a religious experience I'll probably get. Even a year later I'm still not able to collect my thoughts well enough to do this movie justice. 

I've recommended it more times than I can count and even watched it with some of my friends. Some liked it, others did not. They shrugged and said they "didn't really get it". 

It scared me for a while.

To be ripped open by something that didn't even face others was horrifying. 

I understand now though, that is what art is. 

To understand art you need to see your reflection in it and not look away. Letting yourself be exposed fully and not be afraid of what you might find. You might see yourself looking back in a way you never thought was possible. To share something so personal, so sacred with other human beings is no easy task. But to be understood though a medium you love all makes it worth it.

The horrifying ordeal of being known is just part of the package