December 4

4 December, 2025
    
        Excuse me, I’m lost

        Every revelation is swiftly undermined
        by a contradiction
        that reaffirms there are no absolutes
        to hide in

        Enveloped in past failures
        converging to
        a resounding and safe disappointment

    It’s a kingdom of conscience or nothing, isn’t it? The why is not important, it never was. I sit here beside myself, work piling. Expectations are lowering for me as we speak, yet I’m shielded from the shame and fear of failure by some overarching irony. How does anybody shake this feeling? I wish I could blindly accept any call to action, yet I’m paralyzed by some perverse rationality, that somehow thinks so highly of itself, yet cannot muster the curiosity or willpower to lead a disciplined life.

    Surviving was no ‘carpe diem’, it felt more like somebody had put a period at the end of a sentence. Stirring from the coma felt like waking from nothing. There was nothing to do but let the disappointment wash over me; no shock, no tears. I breathed the hospital air, let the thankful words of those who visited me pass through me with a new coldness. I had implicitly known in that moment that there was no escaping myself, and that all I had learned from the experience was that I was too afraid to die.