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It is a choice.
I screamed and thrashed and struggled upon being told this in the past. It felt like an endless pit when I was younger, something inevitable in a cosmic sense, a life of grief and loathing, and surviving rather than existing. Even still, it is a choice.
You are not always capable of making the choice. When I was seventeen I was hospitalized because I didn't trust myself with my own safety anymore. The state of the world felt suffocating - and that was 2018. Surely, I would be dead by now if I hadn't chosen not to be.
Step one to making the choice: get off your phone. Your parents were right, it is those damn phones. Put the phone down and go for a walk. Feel the itch in your fingers. It feels impossible to be somewhere without it. Realize that it is addiction, despite how hard you've been trying to convince yourself otherwise.
Step two to making the choice: make the choice, continuously, keep making it, even when it feels impossible.
The thing is, it is a choice. It will aways be a choice. I don't know if people exist who don't have to choose every day, perhaps some lucky few. Choose to fake it till you make it.
Choose to smile, choose to believe that people are good, choose to look at yourself in the mirror and say: I am beautiful, I am valuable, I am worthy of good things. Choose not to let your past define you. Choose to make mistakes and learn from them. Choose to think about the future, worry about it, overthink it. It is better than assuming you'll be dead by then.
Don't let it get you. Don't fall into the selfishness.
"I'm worse than everyone else, I'm less valuable, I'm more stupid, less intelligent, more worthless."
The world does not care about you. You are one of many people who all look and act and sound the same. You are not special and it's the best thing that could ever happen to you. There is nothing about you that could ever prevent you from doing the things everyone else is capable of doing. Convince yourself that you can. That you are going to.
And yet. Out of all the people who could have been born, only a small percentage ever have been. Some died before they ever got to make a sound. Some were never concieved. You are not here for a purpose, but to enjoy it. Look at the sunset today and don't take a picture.
It is there just for you.
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Flowet
The only thing that stopped hating myself where quotes like
"Dont hate yourself queen it's misogynistic/fatphobic! " and my fave "monkey see monkey do" (monkey sees you love yourself then monkey loves you) that surprisingly made me stop hating myself like those quotes and not some motivational video (they did help too but not soo much like the monkey see monkey do one)
(๑¯◡¯๑)
by Flowet; ; Report
Bloggingabtmylifelolz
I'm not really sure what your experience really was like hating yourself when you were younger but for me its just like something in the back of my head that affects things I do, and somedays it gets so strong that even my head hurts.
it's something that hurts admitting but I hate myself so much, I hate the way I am, I hate the way I look, maybe itstjust because I'm too self aware and anxious, but I can't force myself to smile, and I do trust others blindly (and always get fucked in the end, but I still trust others) and I go outside on walks and I enjoy being away from everything, but the sinking feeling in the chest and the pain in my head is still present.
there is self hatered and there is mental illness, and ive known both, so i get it
it isnt always easy, but the advice i can give is: listen to the advice. when people say it gets better, they mean it. when they tell you to try doing x to feel better, they mean well.
try to stay as positive as you can and remember that this, too, will pass
by Jackie; ; Report
Yeah i try to listen to the advice, but when the advice is big things like going to therapy or to start using more healthy coping mechanisms I just can't
by Bloggingabtmylifelolz; ; Report
no help will ever help unless you genuinely want it and are willing to try it, or at least the things that are possible
by Jackie; ; Report
˚.🎀༘⋆𝓖𝓞𝓡𝓖𝓔𝓛𝓛𝓐-𝓣𝓗𝓔-𝓔𝓜𝓟𝓡𝓔𝓢𝓢˚.🎀༘⋆
mentally saving this to my anti-hate folder
skanktilyoudie
"You are not special and it's the best thing that could ever happen to you."
did something just click? when i read this the first time it just sort of echoed in my head... how many people feel special because we make them feel special, because we suffocate them from birth with the burden of being special? and how many people can't live with it?
being one in a million feels so much more oppressing than being another one in a million... it strips alway the thought that we're all just humans; no one is special, because we are all worth something. theres no degree of specialty that makes one person worth more than the other... is that it?
anyway, nice blog... u were surgical with this one ^^ hope you (and every1 else too) keeps finding the will to choose
2fakind
closing line is a banger :fire: :writing_hand: maybe im just saying that because it's already part of my worldview...
when starting to see things purely in the ways i stood to gain from them, it felt too good to be true. it's really not. kindness feels heavensent because we deprive ourselves/are deprived of it. take what control you can over this. great post. i know this could have turned me around a few years back.
it definitely feels unreal when i look back at the person i used to be, but sometimes it feels as though it really is that simple
by Jackie; ; Report
i'm still waiting for that moment, i don't really get many windows to the past. then again, the process has only just begun
by 2fakind; ; Report
Lumi⭑.ᐟ
No but the phone part is so real. People don't seem to realize just how much social media can affect your mood with all that depressing posting. I can speak for myself that getting off social media (especially tiktok) genuinely made me happier. Also I wanna add - listen to less sad music. Yes, music also affects your mood. I get that some sad songs are absolute bangers but put yourself first.
🌥Daybreaker
I also went to a ward around 18 because things were hopeless and I was losing my mind feeling like I'd never be helped, no one would ever care, I'd never be able to survive on my own let alone thrive, etc. At the time, not entirely false, you can be stuck with a genuinely horrible family, not be given accommodation you should, I think I'll always be plagued with having to live knowing one emergency can and will financially wreck me and put me back on the streets...
But I was able to stabilize my household after moving out, lucked out with some friends willing to let me move in after I forced myself to socialize locally, and over the years I've had less and less to complain about. I still complained though, I still felt shitty, trapped, and useless to everyone around me. I still sometimes feel like that, years later, but I'm doing significantly better nowadays because I still force myself into situations I think I won't like, I talk to people I don't think I'd get along with (not those I hate or feel endangered by, people I just find annoying or dumb), I engage with subjects that make me uncomfortable or scared, I try to remind myself frequently "Have I ever genuinely tried to do/question/research/talk to/etc something/one?", and if the answer is "not really" I either shut up and acknowledge I clearly don't care that much and therefore should get myself worked up pretending I do, OR, I actually take the time out of my day to engage with it/others.
That's not always fruitful, in fact it's sometimes worse than I'd previously think, but then I'd at least have some actual experience with whatever when I do complain about it. More often than not though, I end up coming out less hateful or anxious about whatever, because I made a choice to confront and explore things. I usually learn things aren't that bad, or if they are, it's for reasons I never considered or realized. You can't go into things expecting them to be bad though, or else you're going to focus on the negative things and get all doomer about never being able to escape bad things. Again, I still struggle with that myself sometimes, I was in the middle of being all defeatist about spacehey just minutes ago because I caught myself browsing through blogs *just* to sniff out people I might want to block. I wasn't actually reading anything or looking for anything interesting, I was just be negative and wasting my time actively looking for people that make me feel bad so maybe in the future I wouldn't have to see them at all. No, I've been here before, not again.
I have to make the choice to do something else. If everything smells like shit, check your own shoe.
becoming an optimist and genuinely looking for the good in people/things has genuinely made my life so good, its cliche and nobody ever believes me but being positive and engaging in positive self talk is so valuable
by Jackie; ; Report