sorry Jesus, i have got to be happy

Hello! Im Francis:)

Im going to write this as a little vent. Am I the only one that feels an inmense religious guilt? In the sense that I feel like I betrayed Jesus, like i owe him something, even though I believe in him and love him. I don't even have a religious background, I just found Him myself

I experience gender dysphoria constantly, and supressing it makes me feel worse. That's why I tried multiple times to be the perfect christian too (being a woman, dressing & acting femenine... etc). That's just not me. I do not like that at all + I just end up worse + having more dysphoria. 

I just gave up and live by my own way, trying to be happy as long as I can. Sorry God, I can't live by your religions rules, I love you, but I feel that type of life just makes me miserable.