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"The Cabin"
TW: Mentions Of Suicidal Ideation
I was 17,
I walked a long way.
Miles.
Many Miles.
The cold air around me blew every which way,
blowing frigid pain into my face.
I carried a plastic bag,
filled to the brim with candy and drinks.
All my favorite.
I made it halfway to my destination.
I was in a very familiar part of town now.
The roads were quiet.
Snow crunching under my feet, being the only sound.
I looked at all the houses pass me by as I walked.
Some I knew personally.
Some I didn't.
However, All Familiar.
I passed by one I knew vividly.
My Grandmothers.
I stop for a moment.
I look.
How quiet it is.
No television glistening through the window, No radio playing.
Silence.
Resting, she must be.
My demeanor didn't change, I wanted to look.
See it one more time.
I continue walking.
Up the hill I used to ride down on my bicycle when I was very young.
Up the roads ever so winding.
I reach the entrance of my destination.
The wind stops, for a bit.
A heavy metal gate blocks my way.
I make my way around it, and enter the woods.
It was dark, but I knew this place well.
Where I was going was a certainty.
I walked, listening to the trees blow.
I see a bunny on my walk.
Shame, you're alone out here like me.
Yet you thrive.
I go deeper and deeper into the forest.
I see a structure form into view, surrounded by trees.
There it is.
A soft smile creeps across my face.
The cabin.
I walk up and enter, the door lazily swinging open.
The old wooden door creaks at my arrival.
I enter.
A grim little area to go, this is.
Dirt floor, some old furniture, and nothing but the wind outside.
This will be my last hours.
I sit down on an old chair and begin eating the sweets I've brought with me,
Blasting music from my phone.
Watching videos I've always enjoyed.
I laugh.
I felt at peace.
Bag after bag, drink after drink.
Video after video.
A thought passes to me.
Should I leave a note?
No.
No point.
Nobody cares what I have to say, anyhow.
That's why I chose here.
So people could forget me.
I eat the last of my candy.
Watch the last video.
Listen to one more song.
Silence now.
The chair now feels uncomfortable.
I stand up, and grab the last thing from my bag.
A rope.
I had cut this off of a swing in my back yard.
A swing I used to swing on when I was young.
I laugh a bit to myself at the absurdity of it.
I tie a noose, and swing the tail end up towards the rafters.
Fastening it to a support beam.
I stand back and look.
Middle of the room, just how I pictured it.
The wind picks up a bit outside.
The door rattles at the gusts.
Now, is time.
I grab the chair and move it under the noose.
I stand on the chair.
Placing my head inside of the rope.
I grasp the rope.
I look at the room before me.
The four corners of this small cabin feeling so much bigger at this height.
My determination fades.
I had already deleted everything from my phone.
I had already left everything behind me.
Yet,
I felt scared.
I begin to feel tears stream down my cold face.
My hands red from the cold,
shaking.
The floor under me creaked.
I shook.
I was scared.
What will become of me?
Where will I go, once I make this decision?
I felt like a lost scared little boy again.
I felt my innocence had been taken from me a long time ago, yet,
All I wanted was a hug.
In this moment, All I wanted was someone to hug me.
Someone to care.
I felt so terribly alone in life, but now,
Now I was truly alone.
Alone in this cabin of unfeeling wood.
My head was filled, and racing,
Like a radio dial constantly turning.
I took the noose off my neck and collapsed to the floor.
I wept.
What am I to do?
Where can I find courage to try at life if I cannot face death as eagerly?
I pick myself up off the floor.
All of this was for nothing.
I'm too pathetic for even this.
I grab my phone, and leave this cabin.
Not to strangle by rope,
but to drown in my own chagrin.
12/4/25 - Tex Berdfleu
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