12/3/25: sidewalks and bathroom floors

trigger warning maybe (ed and sh mentions)

i’ve been walking a lot less recently. after months of summer that felt like they would never end, the wind is finally cold. i used to go on walks every day, i had nothing better to do over summer break. my neighborhood is fairly small, i usually ended up just walking in loops or sitting in the church parking lot unless i dared to venture out to the main road. but i never got bored of it.

now that school has started again and it’s getting colder, i spend most of my time in my room. i don’t know why i’ve been so miserable. i have a close friend and i like all of my classes. everything has been objectively good. but objectively good is subjectively awful. i deal my own cards, i make my own decisions, but it’s like i just can’t help but sabotage myself. every time i start “getting better” in one area of my life, i hit rock bottom in another. like it’s a tradeoff. like, i’ll start “recovering” from my ed (which never lasts long) and then i’ll start s.h-ing again, even if i don’t have any reason to.

anyway, i cried for hours on the bathroom floor last night. my hair falls out when i brush it sometimes. i’ve been trying to grow it out for months :(