2025년 . 12월 . 03일

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hello every - nyan ! !

i will try my best to blog daily while i am here at this military school. it's not enjoyable , but i am making it work ! !

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so , if you read my last little rant , you would know that i have experienced quite the mental - block. no , really. i was depressed , suicidal , heartbroken -- everything. to fill the aching hole in my heart , i've tried speaking to other men. while it does make me happy that i am still yearned for , the hole hasn't been filled. i am seventeen and have been speaking to a forty - one year old , my roommate's brother , and a nice young guy from south korea. i am so disgusting and attention starved. 

i planned on going on a date with the forty - one year old during my thanksgiving break , but i ended up cancelling due to my growing anxiety . my roommate's brother is very kind towards me , but he's two years younger than me. it's a bit unsettling. the south korean boy has also been a sweet fellow , but he quickly made it clear that he lusted for my body. like a fool , i showed him what he wanted. however , he hasn't stopped talking to me after getting what he desired. perhaps , he isn't that bad.

in truth , i feel disgusting. what kind of woman speaks to multiple people at once ? it's cruel to them , no ? i'll probably pray about it later to god .

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at my school , we aren't allowed to have phones. however , if you have all As and Bs , you may get your phone for one hour a day from 7pm - 8pm and on the weekends full - time. If you have all As , you get your phone 24/7. after learning this , i have been working hard in my classes to obtain all As on my report card. it's harder than it sounds. i have all As and Bs , but it isn't enough. now , i'm not a phone addict , but obviously i would like to keep my phone with me at all times instead of leaving it with my teachers and TAC officers in a dusty box. i am envious of the girls who have all As. they are smart and talented without even trying. meanwhile , i work as hard as i can and still remain the same. dear lord , please help me.

this depression has not parted ways with me yet. i still feel alone and worthless. i still feel as though my soul must ascend to be with our father instead of suffering on this planet. i have plans and plenty of notes written , just not the courage to follow through with my plan. one day , i will be strong enough to leave everything behind and finally be at peace.

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it is nearing the time to turn in laptops , so i will depart for now. thank you for those who have read and been reading my blogs. it means a lot to me that people are somewhat interested in reading about me. good - night ! !