Confessions of a Jamaica Gay Guy #28

Hair - The Seven Stages of Grief

Hair, something that has plagued my life since I was 17. In primary and early high school, I didn't really care much about my hair. I actually hated how my hair looked when it was high up, but at the same time, I didn't really care much about my appearance at that time because I just wanted to be a girl, and presenting as a male was just something temporary for me. That changed during quarantine, when I actually started to care about my appearance. I was slowly drifting away from the thought of being trans, so I started wanted to be a hotter guy. I also started hanging out with more gay people, so I wanted to not be the ugly one in the group. I wanted to grow my hair out and get long dreads, but my aunt didn't want me to, so I kept having a high taper fade. That was until I started to see thinning in my hairline. I was scared, because what the hell?? I'm only 17 years old. I tried everything. I started taking care of my hair, putting a bunch of products in there hoping it would work, but it didn't. When I was 18, both of the sides of my hairline started to show signs of thinning. Again that made me even more scared, so I started ensuring that my barber added hair fiber to my hairline so it looked like I had one, and continued to wear my hair high. 

Then came Stony Hill, which was when the thinning start get even worse. I cut my hair the November of 2023, and tried to grow it back, but the thinning just got worse and worse. It wasn't until February of the next year was when I started to invest in Minoxidil. The treatment took a while, but by June of 2024, my hairline was back to normal. I was so happy, and I gained a sense of confidence that I hadn't had since I found out that my hair was thinning. Then the WORSE happened. I went to a different barber, since the one I would normally go to was not there and they FUCKED UP MY HAIRLINE. They guy plucked so hard at the hair that a lot of it came out. I was mortified, I was upset, I cut hair low again. The low hair was fine, but I still wanted to grow my hair out. Then I realized, I was just losing more and more hair. My hairline was no fully Vegeta's hairline. 

I lost all of my confidence, and that is when I realized that I needed professional help. I went to a Dermatologist, and they prescribed me with a oral pill and told me to continue using Minoxidil. I had to endure another 6 months of waiting for my hair to grow back. I looked my worst, my face was for some reason bloated as hell, Facial hair was plaguing me, and I constantly wore a beanie to the lab. Until my last days at Stony Hill, I wore that beanie. It wasn't until  left Stony Hill and got another job, was when I got a haircut retired the beanie. That was around the time my hair started itching me tremendously. It got to the point where I would be itching my hair in my sleep. I went to my dermatologist and she prescribed me with even more shit for my hair, and did it get better, no. I decided that it was my hair or my sanity, and I decided to ditch the minoxidil and cut my hair again, I thought it was permanent, but then I went to my dermatologist and she told me that the reason my hair was itching me was because I changed the treatment brand (The one I would normally use is really fucking expensive. 

I decided to grow my hair out again, and started using a different brand that had better reviews, but it still wasn't enough, my hair was stilling itching, not as bad as it was before, but it still itched, and I felt like I kept missing out on the things that were going on around me because I didn't have the guts to just accept that my hair might now grow tf back. I got fed up when I started to feel sexually frustrated and there was once instance when I could have gotten some play, but then I was like "If I have sex with him them he's gonna see my hair", and that was when I realized that my hair was controlling too much of my life.

I didn't care about the length of my hair until I started caring about other people's opinions of my appearance. I put all this attention on my hair because I felt like if I didn't have a specific "look" then no one would want me. I spent all that time worrying about my hair instead of actually going outside and meeting people and forming connections, and I continued to do that for all a YEAR. I sat with myself last week Friday after watching Interview with a Vampire and cried. I cried not only to accept the fact that I might not ever have long hair, but the fact that I spent the year that was supposed to be leveling up, worry about it and making it ruin my life.  The Saturday morning I cut it off. I never felt so happy and free in a long ass time. I went to Devon House to meet up with Nuts and another guy, AND I GOT PLAY! I also got really high and had to travel home high, but for once in a long while, I was actually having fun without worrying about how people are seeing me and my hair, and in a long while, I remembered that, I am hot with or without long hair.

xoxo, Kam