Vulnerability

      I watched a TedEd today by Brene Brown, a popular social worker who spent the last 6 years studying vulnerability. She said that people who are secure with their identity and know their worth tend not to struggle with relationships. A common factor she found with all of these people is that they didn't dislike being vulnerable, they were more or less content with it. Brene describes her feelings when she figured this out as conflicted. As a student in college, she was taught to look at vulnerability and other "issues as problems to solve. Which I find interesting. (If you do as well the link to the Ted Ed will be at the bottom).

      I have had personal struggles with vulnerability; I am a person who likes grey scale, colors are too mixing for me. That's why I like math, it has always been my top subject, in math your answer is either right or wrong. I dislike objective things because I know ethics and moral standing is not the same as everyone. I personally believe people don't owe you shit, but I was also raised that way. Growing up I was told that I share too much and that people will just use it against me-- which did eventually happen. In 7th grade my best friend, we will call her Ava, were really close; she knew every detail of life and past, and I knew hers. My ex-friend, we will call her Mandy, was very attention seeking, she would brag about cutting her wrist, smoking, having sex, hurting herself, etc. Which I am not saying there wasn't anything wrong with her, there clearly is if you need to go to these lengths for attention. Ava and Mandy started dating, me and Mandy were already having consistent issues prior to this. Ava basically ghosted me irl. wouldn't talk to me or anything. Then Mandy started sharing the thing I had told her when we were friends, like the fact that I was on anti-depressants. I had been told that I was crazy, and the bullying continued. I eventually switched schools; my last straw was the counselor telling me that I just needed to get better friends. Me and Ava started talking again 8-ish months later, she apologized for her lack of communication and gave me a light explanation. It made me feel a little better, I was blaming myself when it happened, it was nice to hear it wasn't fully my fault. This happened a long time ago, but it has had a lasting impact on the way I make friends and form relationships. 

      I think it's preached that you shouldn't be vulnerable, it shows weakness and weakness is bad. Showing weakness gives us a chance to grow together, weakness and vulnerability is raw, it's what makes us human. I plan on working on being more open with the people around me, there are certain aspects of my life that I have spent years in therapy talking about, but it never made it out of the office. What do you think, I promise I do read the comments, it's just for some reason the website won't let me reply TwT.

All love,

 Annony