Mourning people who are still Alive.

If you haven't read any other post of mine or if this is your first post of mine; Hey, I'm Mickey. I'm 19, unemployed, STILL finishing High-School and lately the shit on my mind is beginning to become a bit too heavy for me to bear this load. So allow me to begin.                                                          (Its a bit of a long one so get ready for some reading)

For about the last 5 or 6 or so years me, my Father, and my little Sister have been suffering from the after-affects of a "family fallout", and my dads been doing his very best to keep all of us afloat. We've been residing at my grandpas house while my Dad works everyday to hopefully one day get us our own spot. I'm so grateful that we have a place to fall back on, and I'll forever be eternally grateful for what my Dad had to do in order to gain custody of me and my sister all those years back. My Mother isn't completely out of the picture though, My Father was married to my Mother for just about as long as I've been alive plus some years, and he is by every definition of the word "Love-sick". I love my Dad, and I love my Mom, the issue is they don't mix AT ALL when they're in each others company. Every conversation between them feel like a pointless bid for power, both of them always trying to be the last person to get a word in. And as their 1st kid who's had to be around it for almost 2 decades...  Its exhausting, in every stretch of the word.

Before everything went down. I used to think my Mom and Dad were Saints of the Earth, The cleanest, nicest, most god-fearing people in my own little universe. When they say ignorance is bliss, they MEAN it. And you only get what they mean when that curtain you thought was there only for windows, was actually only there to protect you from the actions and past of those you trust the most. My parents are not the once so perfect people i thought they were. None of my Family really is. And that feeling hurts. And it weighs on you and I feel that it doesn't get brought up enough when it comes to family tension. I shouldn't feel awkward and weird when my Mom or Dad try to hug me or talk to me. But I do. It makes me feel as though I've fallen down a weird strange rabbit-hole of information I shouldn't really know about. But I do. No matter what I try to do, I physically can't see my mom or dad as what they should be, I can only seem to see them as their actions and nothing else. Its a horrible thing to feel and I hate to say it. But to a degree, in my own head, The mom and Dad I THOUGHT I knew... are dead. And in there place I only see two unhappy people who wish they made different decisions in their life.

Now, I've come to terms with this fact a few years ago and this revelation doesn't hold as much power as it did when I originally felt all this. But it still doesn't take away the weird feeling I get when I converse with my family. So I'm really just posting all this to get some things off my chest. Thanks for reading.