2025년 . 12월 . 02일

hello every-nyan ! !

( tw : mentions of suicide )

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once again, I am quite pitiful. since my last blog, I have been quite depressed. my beloved boyfriend broke up with me, leaving me all alone in this dump (military school). it has taken quite a toll on my mental health. for the second time in my life, I feel empty and lost. truly, I can't think of anywhere to go after this.

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when he broke up with me, I sobbed and screamed my heart out until the sun set, my poor roommate frantically trying to cheer me up. it was no use. I had lost the love of my life and didn't see a point in going on. that night, I ended up thinking about overdosing. I never did, but the urge was stronger than ever. despite never attempting, I still thought about it daily. even now, it's the only thing on my mind. I am miserable and a pitiful being.

thanksgiving break began on november 20th, but I begged my mother to pick me up a day earlier. she obliged, and I felt euphoric the moment my feet touched the concrete of my driveway. I reunited with my cat and father, desperately clinging onto them. they keep me sane. my short break came to end on the 30th. I was sent back to military school. it's truly awful here. honestly, not even my friends have made the experience better. I still feel extremely lost and depressed. 

during break, I made a plan. there's a bridge that goes over I-95. surely, falling from that height would end things completely, right? I was going to leave the house around two in the morning, making my way to the bridge. I would set my phone up and film the entire ordeal for those that support me and my ideas online. of course, I would then lean backwards and fall to my death. unfortunately, I never followed through with my plan.

no one likes me here. most people think i'm an oddball and annoying. honestly, I need to learn to shut my mouth. people have made it clear that they think poorly of me, yet I continue trying to speak to them. I am truly pathetic. my fear of rejection is so strong that I tend to annoy others with my erratic questions and behavior, only pushing the people I care about further away. stupid, stupid girl.

that is all. until next time ! !