Killing Loneliness (Requested) ★

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Hey there, internet explorer! Welcome to Internet Ashtray, a place where I talk about anything I want for anyone to read. My name is Wendii and here are today's thoughts:

This post was brought to you m3owm3ow, go show them some love for being a cool cat.

Being asked how to deal with loneliness while struggling with it yourself is certainly interesting but I've never been one to turn down a challenge. From playing by myself as a kid or not being able to hold friendships throughout middle and high school, I've always preferred being alone or only being around a few people at a time. Although I wasn't necessarily bothered, realization would hit me from time to time and it'd bum me out.

 Over the years, I've sort of come out of that shell but, after graduating, as I became more social, my loneliness got worse. I cut off my last close friend in October and it was a total wake up call. I really didn't have anyone else I was close to and for the first time, I was okay with that. 

I was always so obsessed with my image, I wanted to be in with a crowd. I would always be admiring friend groups that my friends were apart of from afar. I would do everything in my power to try and appeal to them in the hopes that one of them would accept me as a part of their circle. And that was just so STUPID! I ended up making myself look worse, constantly looking like a desperate loser who was just a wannabe. I'm getting slightly off track but my point is... BEING LONELY IS PERFECTLY FINE. 

*RECORD SCRATCH*

YEAH, YOU HEARD ME! You seriously don't need to worry about having friends, sure they can be nice but... it's only a matter of time until that friendship flame burns out and you move onto the next. I never believed it whenever people said friends come and go until I actually experienced it myself. I've had 3 experiences that haunt me, 2 of them being the exact same situation and the other being my "breaking point." 

Those first two times were both with lifetime long best friends of mine who ended up finding love. And don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter over that... I'm bitter over being replaced by their lovers. It was such a drastic change. Going from holding almost all their attention and being so close to... Being practically forgotten about and becoming just some kind of distant friend. Mind you, these incidents happened years ago and I'm still not over them.

The third and most recent was because this dear friend of mine didn't want to celebrate my birthday with me because they were afraid of feeling left out at my party. Mind you... I would have lunch at school with this friend at school daily, with THEIR friend group, struggling with being left out of conversations and missing out on inside jokes FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR. But they couldn't handle just one fucking day. It hurt me so badly because I wanted to share that special day with them but after seeing them worry over something so stupid and selfish... I knew I was done. I had been hurt 3 times in a row but people I loved.

It might be sad in your eyes, but now that I'm holding myself off from getting attached to others, I've been happier. Sure, I still talk to people here and there, and I still have "friends" but... they never pass a certain wall I've decided to put up. I keep my guard up so I don't have to hurt anymore. I've been protecting myself.

So what are you saying? I should just push away anyone who gets too close? What kind of advice is that?

Hey, I'm not telling you to do anything. I'm just telling you what I've been doing to avoid that lonely feeling. I’m no licensed therapist… hell this blog post was supposed to look a lot different than what it turned out to be… but whatever. This is my blog and if you don’t like it then get the hell out!

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Thanks for reading! Be sure to stay tuned for future uploads and tell your friends!

My name is Wendii Graves and this was Internet Ashtray ☆