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I've been going thru it a bit lately, my ex got added back to the gc, I sh'ed again because of exams and feeling like a failure, and I have two more tests this week that I'm not prepared for but I really just can't study any more. Everyrhing irritates me, I'm anxious all the time, I can't even go to bed because I keep thinking I'll die in my sleep... It's all just really stressful tbh...

I don't mind that my friends are talking to my ex again, after all, they've been friends with him for almost a decade and they just recently know me. Nevertheless, it feels a bit bad that they're ignoring- or even undermining- what I went through with him, I genuinely was miserable every single day of my relationship w him, and it's like they don't care about that... The other day on call one of my friends said our relationship rlly wasn't that bad, and I almost started crying.. I really don't wanna have to repeat to everyone what he's done, I'm kinda tired of having to explain it to everyone still.

Either way, they made a seeparate gc w him, and I've been on call a few times and it was fine. There's still something that bothers me and honestly distracts me a bit...

It's the fact that HE (my ex) doesn't care about me.

It's a stupid thing to say ik, but the constant reminder that I meant nothing to him still hurts a little.. The fact that I made it so that he spoke w the rest of the group, I made sure that he apologized to certain people... And I dont even get a thanks, or an acknowledgement... Not even a reply to any lame message I might sent him, not even a hi on call!! It's pathetic!!! I'm trying to be nice and not create any tensions but the overwhelming sense of indifference I get from him actually drives me mad, and I don't really take it as personal- 'cause he genuinely doesn't care- but I just find it insulting to try to be nice to someone and humilliating myself in the process bc they can't be bothered to care!!!

It's really annoying. And pathetic. It's crazy he hasn't even asked me how I am, did I do smth to upset him even..? And it's not like I care because I want his approval, I'm genuinely curious as to what warrants his shitty attitude... grrr...

And as to my education... I'm not getting the grades I wish I did... partly because that academic-approval attitude has rubbed off on me from my friend.

I'm just tired and not used to studying so much, I don't organize myself too well, I'm probably addicted to my phone, and I jsut plainly don't do well with negative enforcement... If I get a bad grade, I'll get depressed and not even try anymore, but if I get a good one, I'll work hard to get better.

My dad lately annoys the fuck out of me, and my parents seem to always cheap out on stuff for me... Idk I'm just generally unhappy I guess.

And I'm just buying myself stuff but whenever I do I feel so bad afterwards, like I'm spending my money on useless stuff and it's embarrassing...

These next two tests don't seem hard at all but I still have to study. It pisses me off so much when I don't study enough for a shitty test and I end up failing or getting a shit grade..

hhhh I hate myselfff