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I am not in a good place right now... And I don't know what to do about it. Well, that's a lie. I know what I probably should do, but when you're in a depressed state, making efforts toward feeling better feels like some sick joke in the long run. I take one step forward and three steps back, and Im just so tired of walking. Not the type of tired that sleep can relieve. It's that deep, unshakeable weight that keeps you immobile but comfortable; and that's the most dangerous part. Is that I can find comfort in letting myself waste away, like I deserve it. Like I was made to self destruct. It's a strange thing, and I'm becoming more familiar with the idea of one day becoming a story that people tell with pity, a heed to warning on what it looks like when someone burns so bright from within that they combust into flame. I have so many things I want to say, but the bottom line is I don't respect myself enough to harm others in the short term for my long term health, for my literal survival. As conceited as it feels to type it out, I am one of the good ones. No one deserves the love I have to give, and the sweet fruit I've spent my whole life nurturing is going to rot. I'll take all my love with me, leaving only hints of my existence behind; A drawing I made for you years ago, the faint smell of chocolate on your drive home, the spot we'd always sit in silence together, now you're alone. If that's all I can leave behind, maybe I'll be worth more when I'm gone. Like a painting that becomes desired after the artist who made it dies. Im always the afterthought, the second option, the obligatory "Merry Christmas" text. A burden. Let me relieve you of that.
How to Disappear
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#1 jinx fan
wow this is fr a mood especially the end "maybe I'll be worth more when I'm gone. Like a painting that becomes desired after the artist who made it dies. Im always the afterthought, the second option, the obligatory "Merry Christmas" text. A burden. Let me relieve you of that." it's really relatable, you never really think about how dark they really are until they're like written out. anyways i wish you the best
Im glad that what I wrote could resonate with you! Even though it's a bit bittersweet because it really sucks that others can relate to feeling like a burden. One thing that I like to keep in mind when things get difficult is that there is someone out there who is searching for someone exactly like you. You are someone's ideal, someone's perfect person. We just haven't met them yet, and hopefully we will soon or later :)
by ·˚ ◌༘͙ nymph *ೃ༄; ; Report
wow that's really optimistic !!! i wish i could think the same way constantly :c
by #1 jinx fan; ; Report
wow that's really optimistic !!! i wish i could think the same way constantly :c
by #1 jinx fan; ; Report
Cat
I understand how you feel
It's hard being a sensitive and genuine person in a world full of people who take advantage of that without a second thought or any remorse
I totally get what you mean about taking a step forward and then three steps backwards. But the important thing is you're trying and not being passive in the face of whatever is causing you pain. You're choosing to try to save yourself and that is important. Its important to be able to say to yourself in the end that you tried your best and can go to sleep at night peacefully with that knowlege.
Stay strong xx
This is such a lovely comment, it feels so nice to be understood! I do need to remind myself quite often that Im not alone in these struggles, and that me pondering what I can do to improve my situation is the first step. Ive definitely had a habit of remaining passive during hardships and just hoping/waiting for it to pass, but taking back the control and being proactive has proven to be way more effective. I needed this reminder, Im so grateful for your kind words!! I hope you have an amazing day/night, you deserve it ♡
by ·˚ ◌༘͙ nymph *ೃ༄; ; Report
Thank you, I hope you had an amazing day and night too!
When I feel like this I can end up spiralling down a path of anxiety and panic. When this happens I remind myself that what works for me is to stop what I'm doing and take deep breaths and meditate. Just focus on clearing your head. Drink some water. Then, when you feel calm again and more levelheaded, try to come up with some solutions to your problem or at least things you can do to make things a bit better for yourself. Consider every possible angle and resource available to you.
Hope this helps.
by Cat; ; Report
myc
you should listen to the radiohead song called how to disappear. just given the subject matter of this post, i would think you would enjoy it. also, i'm sorry you're going through this, mate, and i hope things get better :)
I really appreciate this!! I'll definitely give it a listen, music has always been a huge crutch for me in hard times so this is super helpful! Thank you my friend :))
by ·˚ ◌༘͙ nymph *ೃ༄; ; Report
sparrowky
I'm so sorry
Don't be!! It may seem kinda dark but it's really therapeutic to type out what Im going through, and Ive gone through it enough times to know there are always brighter days that follow. Thank you for caring friend :)
by ·˚ ◌༘͙ nymph *ೃ༄; ; Report