what the fuck have i done

its been a day since i officially broke up with him.

that is unbelievable to me, indigestible (literally, im ill with anxiety-induced fever, diarrhea, nausea, palpitations etc) and unexplainable. i want to message him, talk, discuss, say something but its like something has clicked in me that never did before

i asked him why hes staying with me

and all he had to say was that he stays because hes loyal

there is not a single trait that he would stay for. nothing in me is worth loving anymore for him to stay for that. so if all hes staying for is loyalty, i freed him. i opened the cage doors and let him out, now his loyalty isnt bound by me and he can do as he likes. 

the past 3 4 days ive been imagining this us breaking apart becoming strangers him abandoning me how he got so occupied with his sister he didnt even check on me. i brought up a fear and frustrated him so much he said he has reassured me about this enough times so i cannot say hes dealing with it badly. i just 

i just wanted to be loved but 

i shouldve known its not meant for me.

my heart feels like its shattering all the time ive fallen in i feel my life being sucked out of me i want to run to him, cry and forget everything happened but i cant. the wounds are deep, the reality is harsh. he has no reason left to love me so i will not let him suffer anymore. he was staying only to be loyal, i cannot let that happen.

how you act, what you say at the time of conflict explains more than any romantic gesture ever could. 

i knew his deflecting, was a sign.

or how he taunted. or got annoyed. or frustrated.

he was staying for all the wrong reasons.

so i did it.

ill be the bad person.

ill be disloyal.

but ill set you free.

there will never be someone i love more than you and there was never someone who made me happier, complete, and at peace. but this relationship wasnt the same to the both of us. things kept going wrong i had no time to heal everything became hollow. maybe all that was keeping us together was the wrong things we did. maybe im just not worth more. i sent you photos and photos, crying about looking insecure and you didnt reply anything. i know youve found me ugly too. 

i know this is best for you and i wish maybe in the future your wife....your wife who's not me, (im gonna die) and you are thankful that i took this step so you could deserve the absolute best

i am so sorry for everything 

may this never find you, ali

goodbye

i love you

and i will, til my last breath and forevermore