Restless

I can't sleep, it's been hard to get rest.. I can't with everything that is going on.

I feel so weird all the time. frantic breathing, cold sweats, increased mood swings, and I've been crying. I think I may be experiencing withdrawals. I know quitting will be good for me...

I feel so fragile.. I'm so conflicted in my head. it's annoying

I'm so alone. I feel like a parasocial reject.

I wish I wasn't insecure. I don't know why I'm so harsh on myself. I don't like a lot of things about me.. I just don't feel like me, and its sickening.. I don't even notice it, but I have bad eating habits.
I eat only like a meal a day.. as my only meal.
There have been days I wouldn't finish my food, or even bother being awake throughout the day. which I guess suggests I've gone days without eating.

And it takes writing this down for me to realize. Like a fucking diary. But I do feel like it helps. it helps me not think about it less.

I wish I was happy with who I was.. I find myself so ugly, I hate the way that I look. And I hate not knowing what I want.. all i know is that i don't like myself.. sometimes I disassociate myself from 'me'. When I look at myself, it doesn't feel like I'm looking at myself. It feels like a familiar face. but that's it.

There have been times where I would just look at myself in the mirror for hours. I don't know why I can't accept myself for what I am.. I hate who i've ended up being.. I'm so miserable. I hate pretending to be happy.. 

I hate that I'm never really honest.. I don't like that the only extent I go is half-truths. And just leave out what I don't want to be revealed.. I feel like that is why I push people away.. I hate when people worry. I don't like when people worry..

I think about death a lot.. nothing in specific other than it being over. Or some kind of peace of mind.. But then I goes back to substance abuse, and self-loathing, and bad thoughts.. this year feels like 2024.. At least I didn't do anything regrettable this time..

I've met so many people throughout the years. So many faces and interactions.. And now I barely leave the house. I need this job so fucking bad. I just wish I had something to do to feel productive

If I had a job, at least I would have that going for me. I've lost count to the places I've applied for. enlisting would be my last resort if nothing works out.. die for a cause, die trying, or something.

"you gotta fake it until you make it"
I always thought if I tried being happy, that it would actually make me feel better.. I felt like it made sense. Maybe after a while I could've had something great, but all it feels like it's just some hole I'm digging myself into..

All of my friends are people with real lives, jobs, friends, families. I wish I was envious but I don't care anymore.

I'm so 50/50. I don't care about my physical well being but I wish I was happy. But I'm a liar, a bad friend, disingenuous, fake, 

I remember the first time someone gave me a hug, like a real hug. It was in highschool. I don't remember the specifics but I remember leaving school early and a friend caught me on my way out. I didn't want to tell them where I was going since I think I was buying alcohol, so I just told them I didn't feel well or something.. then they jokingly hugged me. It made me cry.

I love the idea of loving someone. caring for them. I wish I had someone to make them feel loved. Not even romantically, or sexually. I wish I could be there for someone. Tell someone that I'm there for them. To tell someone that I love them and for them to believe it. I want someone to love themselves as much love as I can give them and more and more if I can.

My closets relationships are with my pet dog and a stray cat. It's fucking pathetic, but to love another life is special. even if it's a pet's life. Phenomenal

At least I did something nice today, or at least tried. A neighbor lost their cat and I tried helping look for them, but to no avail. I miss Scarlet, but she's gone..