20211229 - baby don't play

i thought that this time it would be real and not something that would quickly burn into smoke but keep on lit. wat made her notice that i didn't know. i was playing safe and now ive handed all my cards when she has her saying uno and the 13 cards were up her ass or smtg. im scared something might happen to me again. i do love her this time i truly do. 

should i have waited till new year? or until it was summer? i dont know. just when i thought i could confide my thoughts in her i feel betrayed only to learn that she and her friends have betted on me falling in love w her, worse, dating her. my love life in exchange for pride and rights? 

i dont know what to do now but wait and ask around hoping to hear an answer. knocking on every door that i think would be open but instead locked. i cannot contain myself for every one word i say another ten fall out. 

i am tired. i understand abt her not being ready but the thing i despise the most us being left hanging like a customer hearing that the restaurant is close after waiting outside for god knows what how many hours or a kid who waits on their friends to go to their house for their bday party just to hear they weren't allowed last minute. its frustrating and i wish this would all end.

these r all secrets within an illusion i cannot keep on holding my head up high asking for closure. it would've been better if they told me that it was a lie, a prank than saying completely nothing. ignore me all u want but i beg of u to tell me one last thing.

It feels like the Children's Hour all over again. Maybe the only way to end this cycle is death itself and nothing else. 

ive waited in the shadows, followed ur steps hoping to be discreet. i watch u in ur sleep when u were tired and when u were joyful singing. why do u deny my presence.