I'm I insane

I feel guilty for being grumpy and having no motivation to do anything I want I reason for me to feel like this, I want a black eye, to be hit by a car, burn scars, or idk something really bad so that I have a actual valid reason for being such a shit person like literally nothing bad has happened in my life and I'm still fucked. I'm still mean and bitter no matter how hard I try, it always slips out at some point. Everyone thinks I'm just being overdramatic because I don't have any physical damage that they can see, which who know could be true. But I just want something some sort of physical pain an act of violence to be seen. I feel like an outcast without and thing that makes me an outcast like literally just kill me 

But I don't want to do anything to my self ( on purpose ) well because that's stupid and not genuine (to me at least) 

I know should be grateful but I still feel like shit can barely make it out of bed, trust me Ive tried so hard to be positive idk what to do anymore 

Sorry for the rant.