November 27, I do not understand grief

I do not understand grief. I could be in my normal self at work; laughing, cracking jokes, and offering sound advices/opinions on things... but I came late to work. Why? Getting up feels a bit hard, taking a bath tempts me to stare at the bathroom wall, talking to myself. I shed tears while riding a motorcycle; while listening to music; while eating ramen. 

I laugh when I read our silly texts, but cry after remembering that those memories won't happen again. Getting reprimanded by my boss but not feeling hurt from her harsh words -- waking up in the morning knowing that you're gone hurts more. Maybe soon I'll learn how to live with that fact. I'll have to move on eventually. However, I feel like my subconscious will forever grieve for you. I can put on a tough mask for years but I'm drowning of tears deep inside my core. 

I dreamt of you last night but you wouldn't acknowledge me. You wouldn't look my way although I was apologizing the whole time. I don't think you heard me at all. I can accept that you wouldn't forgive me but I have to know that you've heard my apologies... doesn't matter if you ignore me... as long as you know that I'm truly sorry for everything. 

Should I wait for you in my dreams or should I submerge myself into the sea for a while just so our souls can meet?