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June 10 2024, the day you came up to me after school during my bus ride home. You sat next to me a few bus stops before yours to talk to your friend; You waited the last few minutes to talk to me and ask me for my socials. As i stutter and shiver in fear as I gave it to you. I never knew this would be the start to a new era in my life. On june 26 you texted me saying how I was a try hard at school and who knew that would get me so deep intrigued with you. We texted endless nights all summer, getting to know each other more. Your family, your deep love for music like ken carson, destroy lonely, osamason, blink 182 and how we had so many things in common that we liked. We both like bonnie and foxy, panic at the disco, radiohead, the marias, cats, and played similar games. We played minecraft and started a world together and words can't explain how flustered I was when we played.I fell in love with a man I've only ever seen twice after school in the bus in my junior year of high school. August 27 2024, the first day of senior year. I was starstruck seeing him in person from afar knowing how we texted all summer. It was ironic how quickly I got close to you. Like you lured me in with cheese and a mouse trap. Key word mouse trap. We started hanging out in person at school and in the bus. On september 2nd, it was the first ever time I went on a date with a boy. We went to see deadpool v. Wolverine and who would've thought I'd have so much fun, we went to the mall, played at the arcade, and he even got us matching dog keychains </3. I feel deep in love with him, I've never liked a guy so much like him. On september 19, a random day during the bus he kissed me(MY FIRST KISS LIKE WHATTTT). As weeks went on he got close to my guy friend, brandon that i used to have a crush on junior year but lost that feeling for him after he ghosted me and we lost touch and he started acting up. Never did I know this would change my life. Its october 26, my birthday!!! and how lucky I was to be spoiled with gifts by the guy. A big minecraft bee plush, 2 fat kit kat bars, and 2 cute minecraft lego sets. I promised myself I wouldn't get attached to any more guys after the last 2 guys I've talked to, they led me on and left me alone with nobody to talk to. As much as I tried to hide my feelings for him I couldn't. My smile radiated rays of sunlight, I was the happiest I have ever been with him. Which I began to think why can't we finally be couples! Then he began to say his past relationships have led to nothing but misery for him which made him have commitment issues which I understood so I told him I'd wait for him. Him and my friend brandon started hanging out more often and I was happy at the time that the two closest guys in my life are friends like yay! But as weeks went on this turned against me. After winter break while I was dying from the worst cold I have ever experienced. Brandon invited me and the guy to the mall to get me a birthday gift since he finally had enough money to get me a gift to repay me for getting him something for his birthday. A cute fluffy rilakkuma sized plushie that I adore as of now. The whole time the guy has been distant and not talked to me. Which was odd and made me think to myself, "Did i say something?", "should i leave?", "Whats wrong?". Later on in the day at home I had asked him whats wrong and he was like "nothing everythings fine". I was like okay and everything went back to how it used to be. We started hanging out at each others house just cuddling and being in each others presence with a smile. It was the little things that made me happy like hugging in bed together watching a movie. We did this once or more times a week. Until it started progressing too quickly. January 24. January 24. JANUARY 24. How can I be so stupid. Why did I let him do that to me. Was it out of fear? Was it out of love? Was it the thought that he'd love me more if I let him? Or was it the fear if I didn't let him he'd go talk to another girl? Or all of the above, IDK. But it was before school we were ditching our second period. We were in bed snuggled together, sleeping, and as a joke we took our umm clothes off. And one thing led to another and umm yeah. I was a fool, I felt disgusted, he would say weird comments too and how it made him so happy. Which made me think to myself “maybe if i did it more with him, he’d ask me out”. So as a stupid little girl i did. I regret it. But what can I say, you will do anything for the one you love. Days go on and a day I will never forget. On stupid VALENTINES DAY!!! We did the most we’ve ever done,and by everything i mean EVERYTHING!!!!! I did anything he told me to do, the one thing I never wanted him to do I let him because he said if I let him he’d get me a stuffed animal for valentines day and was I WRONG!!! I NEVER GOT IT!! But I was jaw dropped but part of me felt good and happy seeing how happy he was. Again, what an idiot. We went to school during the middle of lunch and acted like nothing had happen. A week later on february 21 I asked him if he would like to go to prom with me n he said yes!!! But before that during the day. In school my friend had told me that brandon, the guy I used to have a crush on also had a crush on me in the same time and had mutual feelings. Which is why he ghosted me because he didn’t wanna get close to me. I have never ever ever cried so much like how I did that day. I cried in my fourth period so much that day because I had asked him if this was true. And god if i had known I would’ve stepped up and asked him out. But it’s for the best we didn’t because we wouldn’t want to tear apart our friendship that was so strong. So i just left it like that and continued with my normal day life. WRONG!!!!!!! I think and it still hasn’t been confirmed but I’m pretty sure brandon told the guy I was talked to how we had mutual feelings for each other in junior year. THIS is the peak momentum in which everything changed. The guy started acting weird, he started smoking, going out more often, never wants to hang out with me anymore and if we did it was to do ykw. I HATED it but what could i do. Nothing but cry like the sensitive little girl I am. I started relapsing and cried endless nights once I knew he fell asleep since we always fell asleep otp. I was a fool, he wouldn’t even hang out with me in lunch like how we used to. On Feburary 26, the day of your birthday I went over to your house to see you and your mom and give you your gift and flowers to your mom to also celebrate her for giving birth to you. You were acting like normal and I can’t figure out why. Until I left and you started being distant again like dude what can i do. I always confront him on how hes acting weird and how its hurting me and making me overthink his feelings towards me. And again he would say its nth and that i’m just overthinking it and nothings wrong between us. Days went on and he started acting better and as if he just gave up and faced reality. I invited him over to my house on so we could talk to out, but he stayed silent and seemed like he only came for one thing. Having sex with me. Out to the end he was quiet and barely talk. All I could hear was his small moans that he tried hiding from me. While I shed tears from thinking of what had happened. But at least this made him talk to me more and become less distant. Then as the time went on, during senior ditch day I was having fun with my 4 closest friends, wendy eddie brandon n karly. I got home with a big smile and was bored so I did what every girl does on instagram. Stalk the girls the dude they like follow and boy should I have stayed curious. A girl with only 50 followers that is followed by both his account stuck my interest. And as I see her highlights I see a story of her in the guys room. LIKE WHAT THE HELL, HOW IS THAT NORMAL WHY ARE U IN THE SAME ROOM AS HIM N WHAT WORLD IS THAT OKAY TO DO HELLO!?!?!??? I confront him and hes just like its just a friend and its normal to have friends over and nothing else. Like ok. WHATEVER. I’ll forgive him because I love him. BUT I’ll never forget this. As weeks went on of constant talking and occasional arguments. I realized that this was his way of moving on from me. He stopped asking to hang out, wouldn’t text or say sweet things to me or anything in that area. We were just so confusing that neither of us knew what to do or say. May 17 the day of prom I was excited because I thought it would be the first day in a while where it was just me and him. I was happy to put on my pretty pink mermaid dress that is sorta like my quince dress but wtv! So what he couldn’t take me to prom cause of my parents, 3 crash outs later I didn’t care. Once I got there I was waiting for him alone in the middle of the hotel then later walked to the back near the parking lot waiting for him. It felt like hours but I finally saw him in his goofy pink bow it was so funny seeing him dressed in pink but i loved it. However the whole time he was with me he seemed irritated and forced to be with me. I shrugged it off and said wtv maybe hes mad bc of smth that happened before getting here. But he was like that the entire time, he wasn’t even with me most of the time too?!? Like hello!?!? My one and only prom and I’m here crying over a boy who seem like he doesn’t care about me. Not a single picture is he smiling in, the irritated face he makes while i talk to him, like ugh. I’m never good enough for him, not pretty enough, not skinny enough, I always questioned what was wrong with me rather than blaming him. I got home and cried a river right when I locked myself in my room. I told him and he apologized but even then it felt like he didn’t care. The next day everything went back to how it was before just talking like if I were forcing him; So were the incoming days just pure nothing. June 2nd the last day I ever hung out with him at school, I couldn’t stop thinking about how he had his hoodie on when we were outside with everyone like he was embarrassed to be with me. But whatever I got used to him being distant with me. Graduation day June 11, I knew he only went to see Brandon but the little congratulations message he sent me made my day. My dad invited him and other of my friends to go out to eat to celebrate my graduation. Only Jason went. Never would I have thought that the small amount of time at in n out would be the last time I see Jason. The constant outburst I had with him in summer led for him to finally rip out the big question. June 18, What do I mean to you? This ended up being the final straw between us. I acknowledged that all I did for him was for nothing. He apologized for leading me on and realized a month before that he no longer saw us being a thing. A month ago being May 18, the day after prom. How stupid I look right now. I’m laying down on my bed typing this without replying back to those 6 pending messages with no thought in my mind right now. Stupidly with 3 fresh cut marks on my inner left thigh to feel something other than utter sadness. Other than the time I had with Jason, was it the best? No, but I never expected the best, he made me happy with the little time we had together. That was all I really asked for in anyone. I apologize to my parents for betraying their trust so many times to go see him and inviting him to the house without them knowing and lying so much to them. I’m sorry to my friends for hanging out with Jason so much rather than with them. I’m sorry to Brandon the most, he was my best friend and I lost his trust because I was love blinded with Jason and had always blamed you the most for whenever Jason was acting up and for starting to smoke. Being the stupid 17 year old who went thru 50 types of emotions a year ago from now, I still don’t know what to feel. Just reminding me of this 500 days of summer quote, ironic enough that me and Jason went thru the same thing Tom and Summer did. Ha.
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