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Again, I'm using this space as a public diary honestly and If you read this and relate to this. I am so sorry.
I am miserable.
My life does not mean as much as a certain person. Should I keep their identity a secret? maybe for now. I just want to say it is not my significant other. He would never make me feel this way.
I have to constantly take care of things for this person. Sometimes things that I don't even know how to handle I have to Literally figure it out. that's the way it's always been. Since I was 13 years old the burden somehow just became my problem. I am now 28 and it feels like its never ending. Time is passing by so fast and it seems that the burden just gets heavier with time. There are more things to fix, pay, worry about. and they are not even MINE to fix, pay, OR worry about.
I really am thinking of running away
Maybe Canada
but then the guilt makes me forget about it. The guilt of leaving this person alone. (because they are alone) The guilt makes me stop my life. Why do I feel guilty if I've done nothing wrong?
Well if I leave this person to be alone and have no one and I left this person KNOWING that they would be alone and needs help taking care of things especially with time passing by. They are getting older. They will need to be taken care of.
I don't want to be that person. When did I become this person with this burden. Why me.
Why is their life more important than mine. Why has it ALWAYS been more important. I feel so less than. I really needed to vent this out because I have guilty feelings that IM NOT DOING ENOUGH.
when I know DAMN well I've done everything I can possible.
I'm literally giving my life to this person by constantly being available for them.
It's killing me.
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Kathleen
This sounds like parentification. Which can be tough, although difficult I’d try to look at it all from a social work angle; you say they need help taking care of things…I would look into some type of related public assistance, after that I would set some emotional boundaries. Easier said than done, but it might be worth a try vs. the drainage you feel now. Figure out what the overall “need” is to improve daily life and maybe moving away from the person a little will feel less guilt ridden. Everyone should be able set emotional boundaries with their parents but if the physical stuff is in jeopardy I can see not wanting to.