Fresh start

I just want to be happy.

I'm so afraid of failure, of being vulnerable, I wish I wasn't the way I was. Everything makes me so nervous. I'm just scared of messing up. 

I hate how I push people away. The ones I care about. I just assume nobody likes me, and I know it's probably all in the head, but I don't know. I want to be the best me for everybody, but I hate myself so much. I hate everything I am...

I don't know how to convey these feelings with others, I don't want to seem like a 'cry baby bitch'. since everyone perceives me as me. and I hate that so much. 

I wish I could be the real me. But everyone is so mean, and I'm too scared to be honest with them or myself. So I push them away, because I am scared. 

I've been trying to quit smoking, it's for the better. But fuck has it been hard. Usually I would just smoke to stop thinking about these things. I just hate being in this loop so much. It's so tiring.

Sometimes I don't wake up, or bother to get out of bed. There have been days I've slept in. Or weeks I haven't bothered on reaching out to my friends. I feel like a bad friend, but I don't know how to talk to people. 

Ik it's all a metal thing, and the best thing I can do is to 'not care'.
if it was as simple as that