i'm two-faced

*** i mention self harm briefly, if you get flighty with that

for a lot of my life, i had a lot of silent frustrations with my voice and my thoughts - namely, how unnoticed and unsubstantial they were compared to the absolute intensity at which they boiled in my head.

after deep consideration, i assume it stems from my childhood, as does just about everything that makes up the deepest parts of me (phobias , lamentations , guilts , kinks). and more specifically, from my seclusion. i was a very shy kid and an only child; my mom works and my dad is absent, and i was adored just enough to be pet on the head and called a pretty girl and not enough to be listened to. of course, my equally young (and in the least judgmental manner, objectively dumber) peers at the time had no care for my philosophies, and i had no mind to share them anyway, so i was often secluded - save for my very best friend - up until the rear end of grade school and beyond.

gladly, i'm not so much of a shut-in anymore. i actually think i'm pretty extroverted, all things considered, but everything that entails always comes with a cost. me being me, strange and internet-raised, i find myself either dumbing down every thought i fear to be too intense or casting away the truly strange parts of myself. for a while, i'd considered this original personality of mine to be the more authentic, raw, honest version of me, and then i was even more anguished at the prospect that not one person truly ' got ' me. this was my edgy 10 to 12 year-old moment, though somewhere in the middle the boundary of angst and depression ended up blurring terribly. some part of me might still believe that, but i can definitely, in the very least, cope with it more. better than cutting myself.

anyway, i had all been coming and phasing throughout these different ideas when i moved to my new school in 7th grade, which partially may have been the horrid culture shock coming from a k-8 charter school to a regular 3-school system in the suburbs.

at some point, my perspective began to shift, when i finally realized that not everybody was an evil normie out to get me. they brought out a new sort of me i would have never even fathomed to have a few years prior, the extroverted, laugh-in-class, hang-out-after-school, volleyball me. the me who talks to strangers and has crushes without dread and wears bikinis. the me i would have solely become if i grew up ' normal '.

i struggle still sometimes with the feeling of having a double personality, considering i'm still honestly cagey about a lot of my interests with my ' normal ' friends. perhaps there's something to be said about judgement and embracing yourself or whatever, but honestly, i'm not really equipped or mature enough to worry myself about that, because i feel genuine joy with them in the same way i feel when i talk to my best friend or go online and be all weird. just in a different way.

someday, maybe i'll learn to embrace myself. maybe my two different sides will coalesce all beautiful, and i'll uncover true buddha and balance. but for now, i'm happy with my life, and i love my friends, and i think its OK to just enjoy that for a little.