what is gender?

      I stare at the emo boy. Masculinity and all. if only, if only I could actually pursue how I truly feel, and have always felt. Always envious of the "other" boys. I am a girl. that is all I shall ever be. maybe if I keep telling myself that it'll become true. but deep down, I am not a girl. I don't think I ever have been. I remember that one time in the park, when I was what, 6 years old? I asked a boy, around my age maybe a little bit older. "besides the clothes I'm wearing, do you think that I'm a boy too?". He of course did not think so, but I must have pressured him into saying yes, because god knows, I looked like a girl, pink t shirt long hair whatnot. I stare at the beautiful masculinity of my peers, the puberty I will never go through, the clothes that will never fit me the same, the sharp facial features, the voice cracks. It seems stupid, I know. I just want answers. will life ever get better, will these feelings ever subside? please, oh please. How badly I want to be like the the other girls. I wish I was a girl so damn bad. But I hate the high-voices (I have a low voice tho), the tight clothes, the long hair, the hands, being the female in a heterosexual relationship. I hate being viewed as "feminine". I want to have those corny, "loser boy" experiences. When I look at a man, I see my self in him. When I look at a woman, there is nothing. When I look at a man working at a job, like an English professor, I think that that could be me one day. Whereas when I look at a woman pursuing her career, there is nothing that relates to me in that. I don't find joy in feminine things for myself. It feels like I'm putting on a costume for everyone else, "look at my curves, look at my butt!" "aren't I so cute and feminine?" I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, so goddam much. With the rise of trans boys now (which I think is completely cool) it invalidates me, people will think, "oh she's just doing it just like all of the other loser teenage girls". I AM NOT. This thought, hatred for being a girl comes nearly everyday. I never stop thinking about it. I get jealous when I see cis men loving each other, like why do you get everything you want while I suffer? It's unfair. Being a boy would make my life a MILLION times better. But oh, lock it up inside of your heart, because if you dress like a boy, you'll be called a lesbian, and no boy will like you.

Sorry if that was really overdramatic, but honestly, I need help. If you have any advice just leave a comment please. And just lmk if I'm just being dramatic and every teenage girl feels this way, everything helps. 

Love always,                             

Iris (Reese)