College app season (rant)

ok i don't think this'll be relatable for a lot of people, but i want to share my experience with college applications so far, and some thoughts i've had

i'm currently a high school senior applying to engineering school. i'm going to try to not make this into me sharing my stats and asking people if i'm cooked, bc i don't want to seem like i'm doing that annoying humble-brag thing where i obviously have decent stats but i'll make it out to seem like i'm doomed. i also don't want to have people pitch in about my chances of getting accepted bc that just seems like it's going to increase my anxiety about this whole thing. but for the sake of this blog entry making sense, i have a really average gpa and i've stacked up some pretty decent extracurriculars throughout my fours years of high school (think internships, leadership positions in clubs, and involvement in activities outside of school). 

there's this pressure to be this accomplished, well-rounded, and self-actualized adult at the age of 17. how am i supposed to prove that when all i really do all day is watch tv shows on my laptop, read fanfiction, and do homework? 

so while i was typing up my applications, like most people, i exaggerated my achievements. i made myself seem like a much better person than i actually am. and don't get me wrong, i do care about the things i do, but definitely not to the degree i wrote down in my application essays. 

it's brought on this new sense of anxiety, like oh lord these people are soooo going to be able to tell that i'm full of shit. and also i just feel kinda icky lying about this stuff. i'm not this passionate, ambitious, go-getter that cares oh-so-deeply about the people around me. anyone who actually knows me irl can definitely attest to that.  

this is also combined with the original anxiety of if admissions officers are even going to get that far into my application. like i've previously mentioned, i'm applying to engineering school with a very average gpa, and from what i hear, average = low.  just a lot of anxiety all around tbh

also whenever i rant about this to my friends, i'll ocassionally hear something along the lines of "oh but you can always just attend community college!". and realistically speaking, if that's what i have to do because i don't get into any school i want, then yeah, i guess i'll have to. but people get upset when i don't seem too enthusiatic about this option, which to me, seems a bit unfair?

i don't want this to seem like i think i'm too good for community college. i respect the people who make the decision to go to community college, and i personally think it's a smart decision as well, it's just not one that i want to make. i've spent my entire life being told that a 4-year university is the way to go. wanting to get into university is a huge part of my life, something that influenced almost all academic and extracurricular decisions i made the past three years of my life. if i was just going to attend a community college after all of this... what was the point of all this effort? i could've coasted off on b's and c's, that certainly would've made my life a lot easier. and so like i'm sorry that i'm not jumping in joy that thought of attending community college? like i said, if that's what i end up having to do, then yeah, it's what i'll do. i thought this was a reasonable way of seeing things, but i could be wrong, feel free to humble me in the comments if that's the case. 

overall, i'm kind of just done with the whole process, i just want to get it over with and spend the rest of my senior trying not to think about it. if anyone has any advice on how to not lose their mind during these next few months while i wait for my results, please let me know. 

tldr; frustrated student yaps about how college applications suck because she knows she has no chance of getting into the schools she wants

-sm