Love dependency

 TW" 3D...Love, at first I thought it could be something I could be happy with, but I slowly realized that it only leads me to destroying my life, I was a very insecure girl when I first fell in love with a guy that I always thought as my "brother", crazy how from a day to another I started seeing him as my future, but as I said, being insecure and young isn't the easiest thing, because I wanted to be approved by someone, and who better someone to seek approval from then the guy I used to text everyday? So I did, I asked him if he found me pretty, and his answer broke me, 'you would be prettier if you lost weight', that thing was the start of my downfall, I always wanted to loose weight, I was well aware that I was a bit overweight, but to think it was that obvious? So I thought the only way that boy could like me back was to loose weight, I've always tried to loose weight but always abandoned after a few days, but now it was my motivation, if I loose weight he will love me, yes I was kind of stupid, but who can blame a young girl full of love that no one was willing to accept? So I did it, I ate healthier, did more exercises, but then I started to get impatient, I wanted his love, and I wanted it now, so I started seeing ways to loose weight faster, then I found the "calorie deficit", it isn't a bad way, but my brain quickly twisted it, because instead of eating at least 1200 cals to keep my body healthy and muscles, I did it way too low, and trust me when I saw the results appearing quickly I was completely euphoric, but as a teenager with parents, of course they forced me to eat, and sometimes the food I would eat would go way more than my 500 cals a day goal, so I turned to another way, a way that made me feel less guilty, but that slowly broke me, I started to make myself puke, and I was absolutely overjoyed when I saw that I could eat without guilt and see myself loose weight, but I didn't only loose weight, I also lost my health with it, because day by day my teeth got yellower, my heart beating quicker, and blood started to appear everytime I puked, I was scared, I talked to him about it, he was worried about me, then I went to the doctor and got what I needed, it stopped, but my suffering never did. Now I stopped puking but I discovered a way new addiction, not eating, it started this summer, and now I feel like a failure when I eat what a basic human being should be eating a day, oh and I also confessed in may, he rejected me, but he also discovered that my sudden weight loss was caused by him, and to my suprise it only pushed him away, but not because he was disgusted, but because guilt ate him alive, he may not admit it but I know he has some feelings for me, but it will never end in a relationship and I know it, or maybe it will, but now my eating is depending on him, if he seems annoyed, I eat until I can't stop, and when he gives me a little bit of attention, I spend days not eating, school is also motivating me, and who knows, maybe I'll finally be skinny enough, even if deep down I know that even if I was at the brink of death, it would still not be enough.