2024/04/13

It's insane how far my brain will go for the sake of its own ego. I painted myself as a bad person when I just wanted the comfort and motivation the disdain I received brought upon me. Moreso, I suck at emotional regulation over a long period of time. I wonder how these next few years will go?

If I'd actually wanted to manipulate anyone, I would've done so in a different way. So why am I so keen on trying to bring myself down? One reason could be that I love indulging my self destructive behavior, and more than just subconsciously. It's going to take a while to get closer again, but isn't this distance what I wanted? I'm confused.

The truth is, I'm not a manipulator. Not in the stereotypical, calculated sense. I used those outbursts to control my own emotions and eventually they all boiled over. That's a bit embarrassing to admit.

But also, I did it knowing that regardless of the outcome, I "benefit". I "win". Either my own fears are affirmed, or things become more vulnerable.

My personality craves to be recognized. The distance grows or the connection dissolves.

It doesn't bring and rational benefit though.