I succumb to the pain of living

I do not really think that I am depressed, or rather I refuse to think I am, because I don't think what I'm going through is something valid to be one. I taught myself to have hope in things and dream of something good, that everything will workout one day. I grew up in a not so good household if one would say, all that everything is my normal, I can't tell what is right and wrong, but I do know what is awful, happiness comes rarely, I appreciate happy moments, I do, a lot. Is it wrong for me to expect goodness? I don't think it is meant for me, but I want it cause it's good, whenever I have it sooner it will perish, as if I'm a child whose toy is taken away. Do i deserve my misery? I think sometimes I am, if happiness will hurt me and give me false hope of finally having good, I'd rather embrace my tragedy, therefore I won't need to seek the glimpse of warmth I felt. I succumb to the pain of living. I despise people. I blame the world for my misery, growing up as a child that's how I think, I can't wait to grow up and do what other people do, "normal" I want to experience what's normal. When I had the chance to finally do it, experience what's normal, I feel amiss. Dread. Is this right? There's something wrong, there is because this isn't normal. My normal will never be the normal of fine people. I am messed to the core. But why do I still hope for that, my hope kills me, that what hurts me, I'm scared. I have no hope in my self. I only hope for things to happen. Will I change? Will I get better? Will things be good? I'm sure I'll be good when I have that :) I swear I know how to be good. But please don't leave me again and again and again. I'm losing hope, can't what I want stay with me. I'm finally happy. Why must people, the world, take it away, why must things change. You're too cruel to lead me onto believing things will be good, I hate you happiness, you always deceive me. So cruel..