2021.12.28 - Personal Struggles

I've also been struggling with my work situation--I'm off work due to a work injury resulting in worker's compensation, followed by a return to work and an additional leave of absence with followup appointments, to eventually be given ADA paperwork to be filled out by the doctor that first gave me my work restrictions. While I wait for this paperwork to be completed, I wrestle with the reality that I can no longer perform physical labor jobs, and my lack of education is apparent.

Further, I have enrolled in classes for the spring semester, but whether I take the full load I signed up for or a partial load remains to be determined, based on whether I still have employment in an adjusted capacity with my current employer. In either case, I haven't been to school in years, and I am anxious about my ability to perform as a student so far removed from high school.

In addition, after moving into a new apartment and dealing with the allergens that formerly plagued the place, today marked a new crisis: the center ceiling tile in the bathroom collapsed, pouring a stream of leaking water from the above apartment all over everything from the tub to the sink, including the shelves over the toilet. While maintenance was quickly summoned and promptly arrived, its just another item on a growing list of things-gone-wrong.

Finally, I have also been struggling in my faith. Not so much in terms of doctrinal issues, mind you, but in matters of the heart. I know full well (or, perhaps more palatably for the reader, I firmly believe) that God is, for all intents and purposes, good; that Jesus is the Son of God, fully man, fully God, who died on the cross to atone for the sins of mankind and was raised three days later by the power of God from the grave; and that God works all things for His glory and for the good of all those who love Him. However, cognitively recognizing these things is one matter, while feeling the reality of these things is another matter altogether. I find myself feeling at times abandoned by God and even disliked by God, as if my life were the butt of a cosmic joke (as if I were so singularly important!). I struggle to realize the goodness of God, not from a grand perspective, but from a personal one, in which my good is considered and valued. After all, God is our protector and provider, no? And yet I find myself feeling unprotected and perhaps even neglected. Are these feelings accurate? Of course not. But they are present all the same.

I recognize that God ultimately does have a plan that will eventually, if not already, bring Him glory as well as bring about my good. After all, despite the struggles with health, I am still able to walk, and I am still able to breathe, albeit with difficulty. Neither of which should I necessarily be capable of doing.

As for employment: I was granted an "impossible job" in which the only way to get hired at the time was to know someone personally who could put in a good word with HR, whom I had not, yet I was granted favor through my time as a temporary associate such that a supervisor not only took notice, but vouched for me personally. I was blessed with a job that pays very well, and He who gives is all the same just in taking away; yet He has not at this time taken away my employment, but merely altered the status of it such that I am still insured despite not currently working, and therefore I am able to receive medical treatment.

And education? In my vehicle-less situation I have been provided the opportunity to take all of my classes online, and have not been restricted from attending college for any circumstance. While I do not qualify for financial aid, I am able to afford returning to school (at least for now) thanks to the savings I accrued from the aforementioned provided employment. I have a chance at a better future, rather than being restricted to a more-or-less disabled condition.

As for the apartment, problems were bound to arise, and it is a wonder that in spite of the situation, the damage was so minimal compared to how other instances of water damage have played out for friends and family. All things considered, this situation is more of a minor inconvenience.

Ultimately, God is indeed good. A careful analysis of the facts, as well as one's own perspective, helps to illuminate this reality and dispel ill-conceived notions of neglect regarding God's protection or provision. Life is not as dark as it seems. There is hope for the future.