20 years went by and it doesn't feel like it

-- sorry if this reads weird i didn't check for grammar or spelling, much less capital letters lol --

i am not 20. i mean, i am, but i dont feel like it. i've been trapped in a 15-year-old body since, well, i'm 15. 

i've changed in every way, i've tried many things; different hairstyles, different styles, clothes, heels, makeup, more makeup, eyeliner, lipstick, lingerie, sexy underwear and pajamas, different bed sheets, getting my nails done and longer, surrounding myself with people my age and over, talking more maturely (whatever that could mean), etc etc etc.

i am 152cm, in law school, with my nails kinda long and burgundy matching my underwear, with a few years older bf, kinda living alone, and still...trapped in a 15yo body. I see my hands and they are small and fat, even tho I weigh 44kg. My face is round/square and fat, with blackheads and scars from old acne. I have hip dips so i dont have round and curvy hips, i dont have a tiny waist, i dont have big breasts, my voice is high-pitched and childish, and i live with my mom who says to love me but only hates me every chance she has treating me like a child and how I look deformed and child-like. I am full of rage and sadness that waits for a single thought to pass me by to let it all out through my eyes or voice. i dont have friends. i reconnected with a friend but we have more like a "reelationship" we've been 80% sendind each other reels for the past 5 months but never hang out and i feel alone in every crowded room, i dont feel human, everyone is living life accordingly and im just trying to keep up like a 15 year old, except when i was 15 i had more friends (even if they were all shit and fake with each other and even with themselves). i always feel like im missing out, when i try joining other conversations in class i feel like i missed out something, something in life. they all lived it and continue doing so with all their little groups while im still here, 45 steps behind, looking at them from the bottom of the life ladder. I am so far away from everyone, even if they talk to me for a split second. When they address me its like they're addressing the elephant in the room, like suddenly im visible for a split second but they're looking through me from above, above the life ladder. 

everyone is scared they're growing up, every birthday for them feels like everything is going so fast...i just think "one year closer to being a grown adult, out of college, working, travelling, making a family i hope" but im so scared to reach 30 and see that nothing that i ever wanted became true. I reach 30 and im single, alone, maybe a lawyer but maybe just locally and never get to travel...and then, what was it all for? all these years that i didn't kms because maybe, just maybe, i could get what i wanted....and realize i didnt. I know 30 is nothing, at least 30 years more of life until 60 and maybe 80 idk, but is it that what i really want?? to just have my life arranged when i already look old and everything hurts at 50?? i might just kms at 35 if nothings works out. dead serious

anyway this was my vent hope y'all are happy tho!!