i forogt (Jargin No. 28)

it has been one second since i posted a blog omg omg this is EMBARRASSING!!

I think i just stopped because i was occupied on doing college stuff and when you break a habit for one day you usually just spiral and completely forget about it for a long time... I think that's what happened here. last post was a bit over two months ago, and my lack of blog made it seem like i got shot walking around town too much or something

What has happened what has happened.... i'm not too sure i'll start rambling and then take off from there maybe

the rambling starts

so... you come here often

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yeah me neither

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spacehey is way too bright dude the light mode is killing me it's 3 in the morning and its making my eyes hurt

what was i doing before this

okay before i started writing another blog i was thinking about going to bed because i was tired and i wasn't too sure whether i wanted to work on something for a while or not so i just sat there and wandered around my computer

I went on discord and unfriended people i hadn't talked to in a long time and didn't remember the names of, and it was kind of depressing because i wasn't listening to music or anything because i had just gotten out of the shower and i wanted my hair to dry a bit before putting on my headphones. i still haven't put on my headphones but i might in a minute when i find songs to post here that i've been listening to

diet dr pepper

for most of my senior year of high school i drank monster all the time, and for most of my college 1st semester i drank a lot of celsius. i orbited around these drinks a lot because i liked drinking flavorful drinks (water is still on top but that's besides the point) but i hate drinking calories because those could be allocated elsewhere into something better for you and yummier than a drink. the caffeine was something I didn't really care about because i usually didn't feel all that bad under the effects of it, but a few weeks ago i realized that it was probably the reason i felt so exhausted all of the time.

it came to a point where drinking an energy drink actively made me more tired than energized, like i would drink a can and then fall asleep. no energy just an immediate crash. i went to a snack shop with a friend and they had this weird canned energy drink about half the size of a normal soda can, and it had something insane like 250mg of caffeine or something. it was really sweet and i could feel it degrading my body the moment i drank it, and at that time i think it was 2:00 AM, and i was like "well, if i end up staying up then i end up staying up" and then i went back to my dorm and i was knocked out like small baby...

i decided to stop drinking energy drinks after that because they just make me feel so exhausted and they give you sores and it's not even remotely worth it. so I give diet pepsi a try and i liked it, and i tried diet dr pepper and i liked it even more and that's what i've been sticking to... it tastes more creamy than other stuff and it has a milder flavor and i like that, i am drinking one right now

gay

i haven't even said the gay stuff yet omg what is this, minecraft

for new readers of this blog series, i usually use this blog as a semi-private outlet for rambling about anything i have on my mind and sometimes that includes talking about gay stuff that i don't talk to with people irl because it's not relevant/appropriate in the moment or the people i'm talking to aren't going to be really relating to it a whole lot (straights) so i just say it here.... it's sometimes a bit of an embarrassing and sad display when i am being a doomer over some stuff (which i'm not often doing, mostly just ranting) but i don't really care when it's on here. this section is making fun of the fact that most of my blogs have some reference to my emotions being a result of something related to me being gay and then i talk about it, so i might as well have one for compensation of no blogs for two months

i have not much to say (editor's note: lie)

for really (editor's note: no)

idk if i'm just slowing down from the longer effects puberty or something or if it's because i'm so on the grind with college that i don't think about it much but it hasn't been troubling me. like i said in an earlier post (some time i forget which one), before college i was really hung up on the idea of maybe finding a boyfriend the moment i entered college, and then after a few weeks i kind of didn't care. it's still kinda like that, i think

i feel like my sex drive is entirely shut down when i'm actually talking to people, it's so strange. not like it's being locked away or hidden or stolen, but like i just don't have any interest. that seems kind of in the lines of asexuality (or aromanticism or whatever, i don't remember the difference) but that doesn't seem right at all either because i crank hog to dudes and i sometimes sleep comfortably thinking of the idea of a man sleeping with me, but when i think about real people in the real world, it almost feels like the thought of being in a relationship with anyone would be an encroachment on the connection between us, no matter how strong it got

i feel almost like there needs to be some sort of proof, like, i have to have crushes on some people or something or act some way. i stated much longer ago in an older blog that i have a general disinterest for romance as it's known by most people. maybe it's just the way my generation goes about romance or something, something super artificial. it feeds off of sensation and drama or something. even words like "ex" just don't feel right. Do you know how many people need to be breaking up to the point that there is a two-letter word for it. we have dating card games, dating trends, dating this that this, it's madness to me

somehow, in my brain, i thought maybe homosexual relationships are an exception to that. two people actually feel so connected that they are willing to be shunned for expressing compassion to each other, they take risks in order to express full love for someone else. now, i'm obviously not asking for the gays to lose their rights, but as it's more widely accepted, that idea of true connection is lost. i don't have something to really transition off from this, it was just a stray thought

if i'm gonna be honest, i don't know what gay people do. like in our societal norm of gay people i feel a bit like an outlier. i have a few gay friends and one of them was shocked that i hadn't seen Wicked and didn't know about XYZ artist or whoever (we were watching rocky horror live preshow at this time, which i had never seen rocky horror) and he jokingly said he was going to take my "gay license." i obviously know and take it as a joke, and i thought and still think that was a funny statement, but these things are just things i don't really care about. I almost feel too "manly" to be gay sometimes, and i can recognize that thought process as something ridiculous so i usually disregard it as a serious thought, but it still comes to mind now and again. if you look at the stuff i like it's all over the place, but out of all of it, not a whole lot of it seems gay enough. i think i have enough sense to say "this is over complicated and stupid, i'm just going to do what i want" so it's not a problem, and i think that's the best reaction to having self doubts so i'll keep doing that. but it's still something i get hung up on momentarily time to time and i write it here because i can

This section has become a very uncoordinated mess, I have a lot of thoughts about these things and I refuse to organize them at the moment because i have classes in a few hours and i need to sleep. TLDR I have no idea how that works, it's beyond me, so i think instead of stressing over it i'll just ride the waves and see what happens. moving on to college and seeing more people has made me think too much like others, i think, it's making me think i have to categorize myself more. i think i would be a more fulfilled man to be in a loving relationship, but i don't think it would be the end of the world if it didn't happen. worst comes to worst, i'll just do what i want and be happy with that. i'm talking too much about this, this is gay i want to talk about something else

speaking of that, i've started to use "gay" like a 9th grader a lot recently for some reason, like a derogatory term. if something's stupid i call it gay, if i'm watching a show or playing a game and someone does something embarrassing or dumb i call them gay, i don't know what happened

editors note i'm not reading all of that it doesn't make sense shut up

game devlopment (acs)

it's goin'. it takes so much time it's insane and i really want to finish something at some point. also i want to work more on that acloudyskye MV idea i had

ogh my god i realized i haven't even shown that at all yeah, i made my first good 3d model in blender and it's a character from acs bro oahhh yeah

i'm proud of it i am very proud but it makes me want to never use blender again because i hate UV unwrapping. tbh it'll probably be a much shorter process the next time i get around to making a character because I have a better idea of what i'm doing. one step closer to making this thing actually real and finishing a creative project for once in my life oh yeh

okay but in terms of game dev, i've been working on the other project more that i won't discuss yet. but let's just say it's feeling prettyyy good

DND and CY_BORG

I run a CY_BORG game (ttrpg like dnd) with friends and this is a character from it i drew. very happy to draw again it felt liberating

also i am a player in a dnd game ran by my cousin aaaand my character is a little cat dude and he's funny and i like him and i drew him because my bugbear teammate hung him on the ceiling after my cat dude punched him in the stomach to make him throw up alcohol to make molotovs

musics for the weeks

I listened to many things since the last till now, and here's a few i liked

i listened to a lot of Renard and i like namx and smoke tower a lot but i don't want to add too many songs so here's just one

Also recently i listened to Heavy Metal by cameron winter and it's a such a good album it's not even funny $0 is masterclass it's awesome, my mom said he sounds like he's crying all the time

Finally of course CSH this song rocks socks. I friend i made a college also really really likes CSH and it turns out that we went to the same show in chicago before we met and that's insane to think about. but anyway i haven't listened to MADLO yet and she said pleeasssee listen to this one at the very list and i said okkayyy and i listened and i loved it a lot so thank you twin

goodnight

I know i said it was 3:00 earlier and i was not lying, it is 4:50 now i really need to get sleeping. this is why i don't write these often because they take several hours out of my day somehow

otay ttyl later

wait no i forgot i need to tell you guys i finished SOMA yesterday and it was really good i loved it

okay by gn