socialization

hi! i like blogs cause whenever i have some rant on my mind i can post it. this is one of those times.

i think socialization as a concept is something i think way, wayy too much about. so i have a lot of opinions on it.

i find that a lot of people find socialization to be scary, and i do, too.

i have this thing where i often portray myself as a completely different person irl than what i'd consider to be me, and online i think that i portray myself really honestly. i, for many years, have led like, a double secret life... cool, right? no, just really lonely!

it's tiring when you have accounts on everything for irl friends and online friends... and don't even TALK to me about tiktok before you could turn off the thing where you'd be recommended to those in your contacts, oh my GOD. i would block sososoosso many people!

but recently i've realized something that i've always heard, but never actually considered: being myself! 

i've never really been worried about being different than others; no, i've always accepted that i've been different, and i've liked it that way!

but a part of me just doesn't let me be truly myself in front of people irl... i think it stems from that if i'm myself, then that means that if you dislike something about me, i actually care. but if i'm not myself, i don't care what you think about me; because even if you "know me", you don't know me.

but that unfortunately leads to me not even knowing myself. and some really really confusing identity things.

back to being myself... i've began to try it. and it's like... so freeing. and, honestly? only good has come out of it. being myself has made it a lot easier to recognize who this "self" even is. i've just been, like, actually talking to people and discussing my interests and hearing about other peoples lives.... which is so simple, but once you actually are honest about yourself, it's so much more fun to socialize with people. like, don't be scared about them actually knowing you, it means you can actually know them!

another thing is, i was always like, "how do people have so many friends? how do they even get those opportunities?" not that i even wanted to have those opportunities (i would describe myself as asocial despite my apparent outgoing-ness irl; it's easy to hide behind a fake extroverted persona!) but i just didn't understand the genuine process of making friends.

for me it was always stressful, because i knew that i'd have to consciously at some point make the decision to start being myself around them and, like, their perception of me might change.

but watching other people make friends, i realized: it's so easy because they don't have anything between them and the person they're talking to! it's so easy to make friends if you just genuinely talk about things you care about and if you're interested in them, stuff like that. it's like, really easy. and it's not easy to make like a long-lasting relationship or anything, that 100% happens by chance in my opinion, but it sure as hell raises your chance the more people you connect with! i forgot where i was going with this section, ummm...

anyway. i don't know if any of this makes sense and i'm not rereading it lol.

thxxxxxxxx xoxo sam