the loneliness of the modern world 𓆝 ⋆. (vent? maybe?)

My school is a 15-minute walk from my house. My friend lives a 10-minute walk away. The park is around the corner and across the street. Nevertheless, I am inside my house, writing this, because I cannot go to any of these places alone. Someone tried to follow me home last month. A teacher at the middle school next to my school has nearly hit me with his car several times. I do not take my little sister to the park anymore after a man doing pullups on the playground yelled at us to go away. My neighborhood is beautiful. I do not see it.

The world is not ours anymore. 

Most of my close friends live 30 minutes away, so every time we see each other has to be planned weeks in advance. I have friends that I see at school, but I know nothing about them, and I can't join their group chat because I have an android that can only download "useful" apps (no browser, no email). I can't sneak out to see my friends. I can't do anything without being under the scrutiny of my parents, and it hasn't even made me a better, more honest person. I am still alone. 

I draw, and I bake, and I pretend to do schoolwork. The coffee shop in my heart is going out of business because no one is coming anymore. I look at people having enough confidence to post photoshoots they made, and I laugh, because I will never be able to do that. No one wants to see my face over someone else's. 

When I was a kid, I would wake up in the night and go to my mom and ask why I existed in my body. I read books instead of making friends, and I thought that everyone had to go through some kind of adventure to have a purpose. I thought that would happen, and when my quest was over I would cease to exist. The end of the book. Or my whole life was a dream, and I would wake up one day and be a different person. 

I never bothered to make any more friends because the protagonists usually only had one or two.

I barely know if my friends are even real people. The world seems to follow a suspicious pattern, and yet I do not know what that pattern is. The one interesting and concerning story in my life, i am barely affected by it. 

Everyone needs connection, and some people can never manage to really connect, so their life is outside the world. I used to be smart. In 6th grade, my science teacher said I would end up working in Area 51. I am taking art classes now. He is the vice principal of my high school now. I've changed my name, but if he knew who I was he would be disappointed.

I want to dye my hair again, I want to pierce my ears, but I am not allowed to alter my appearance because my mom can't deal with change. Once she said I should let myself be pretty sometimes, and she apologized, but I knew. 

I keep forgetting things I like. I've barely done anything in my room since my ceiling broke and spilled soot dust over everything I own. The dust is gone, but I can't bring myself to clean my room because it would mean going through my things and remembering how much I used to love them. 

My loneliness is the outline of a person. They follow me around quietly, sitting next to me on the couch. We watch tv together and laugh at the assumption that everyone can do exactly what they want. We sit, and I do schoolwork, and we go downstairs and unload the dishwasher. Apparently I used to be an extrovert. I do not remember this. 

I am home alone now. I could go out, but no one can come with me.