Holiday Sadness

I'll be 18 on this approaching Christmas, turning 19 in January. I hate getting older, but that's not what this post is about, even if there's some corralation there. I started my first job this April, I work at the cash register in a huge department store. Since I started working there, I started buying the snacks from the checkout aisles, like chocolate, and chips. I always saw myself as being above that habit, but no, for a while I wasn't exercising at all. I've begun to crack down on myself, but I feel this ever-present sense of defeat. I always had this idea that by the end of highschool, I would get my dream body, and some kind of recognition from my peers. What kind of recognition? I don't know. It doesn't matter now anyway, because as I type this my thighs touch, and no one really likes me more than they did 4 years ago. Real life is knocking at my door, and it doesn't care if I'm not ready to move on. So I'm taking the year off and just hunkering down at my work, working 5 days a week. Interacting with so many normal people makes me feel like I've seen the real world. And now someone is holding my eyes open, forcing me to stare at it. If you've read this far, I'm sure you can tell I'm pessimistic. It feels like my whole life, I've been immersing myself in some fake reality, or hypothetical future. But now I can't do that, I saw the world in it's ugly and knawing hunger. And now I've seen myself in it, playing my part, being just as gross as everyone else. I thought there was a path outside of it but I'm not sure anymore. I could become so obsessed with the world that something like Attack On Titan would create. Everything is based around a crazy premise, the idea that there's human-eating monsters, and then the events fall in place around that. For so long, the world of Attack On Titan felt like the real one to me. The actual world seemed directionless and it was secondary to me.

 I guess that's how some of this relates to holidays. The event of Christmas doesn't have a grand narrative purpose like the events in my shows do. I'm not christian, so it's not a part of a big story, it's just part of a routine, December is at the end of the year, so Christmas is too. I wish I understood some grand reason why I should want to celebrate, or that I was content enough to do so reguardless.