idk just a lil vent

idk if this is the teen angst everyone talks about but im just so fucking tired yk? but i dont feel justified in my feelings, cause like my life is fine, my parents are nice and have money and a house, i have friends that are nice to me (even if i selfishly hate them for being boring even though im not much better) i go to a special school that accommodates my needs, my teachers are understanding, im not being bullied. But i just want some freedom, i dont want to feel trapped by the reputation ive built by being a nice kid with good grades who bottles up all my problems so i dont bother anyone because the idea of being a burden is so fucking scary, yet so appealing. i wanna fuck up my life go out and do shit instead of just staying at home and rotting in bed all the time, but i think i might vomit if i saw everyones disappointment. sometimes i wish my entire family would die, then i would have an actual reason to act out, and no one to disappoint. i could kill off my old self and become someone that id actually enjoy living as, but then i just feel like an awful person for wanting that, how ungrateful am i to want my parents to fucking die?? thats fucked up. i dont even know what to do with myself anymore. if i where less of a coward id go out and deal with these feeling like a normal teen and just drink them away, but im not nearly interesting enough to catch anyone who would be into that type of stuffs attention. im going to my countrys equivalent of high school next year, maybe ill be able to reinvent myself there. if i can survive another year of this underwhelming shit. i know everyone always says its better to be a weird kid as a teen but im bored out of my mind and cant do this anymore.

i guess ice just gotta survive until my twenties so i can move away from my parents to uni or something where i can be free to fuck myself up without the prying eyes of those who knew me at my sweetest.

that got kinda long, srry, ive been bottling all this up for a while, so it was nice to get it off my chest <3

(sorry 4 any typos, originally wrote this while sobbing)