Today

I'm sitting here, wishing to die. It may sound extreme to you but this is an almost every day occurrence for me. Every cell in my body wants this to be over. I've suffered with this for as long as I can remember. There will be no death for me, though. I will forcibly stay alive solely for the sake of my son. I have a soon to be six year old who needs a momma. I don't even feel like I'm a good mom but, an okay mom is better than no mom so, I stay. Today, it's barely 8:35am and I'm already crying like a crazy person. Probably because I am officially a crazy person. I argue, I fight, I cry, I threaten, I breakdown, I beg for forgiveness, repeat cycle. I want it to stop. I want to be able to hear what someone is saying and actually hear what they're saying not just what my brain wants me to hear. How shitty is it that my brain is betraying me. I have gone through my whole life being "gifted" and my brain is fucking broken. I was gifted with psychosis, is what they meant to say. I feel like this will never end. How do you manage this? How do you shut it off? I'm trying so hard to learn what is the difference between offensive and friendly talk. Everything sounds like an attack. Everyone is judging me. My boyfriend suffers the most. My eyes are always on him and I can't stop feeling like he hates me. I feel like he's using me. I know it isn't true, but I don't know at the same time. Everything he says is an attack on myself or my character. He doesn't hear it in the tone of his voice, in the way he looks down at me. I don't know how to feel love from him. Maybe I just don't know how to feel love. I admitted to him how I had never even felt love until I had my son. Before that I thought I was a sociopath. I didn't feel anything for anyone. When my son was born, it was as if a veil had been lifted. All I wanted was to be surrounded by him and his love. I didn't even feel real love towards my ex-husband. He was a filler for my life. An escape from my abusive mother's house. I have never tried to be better for anyone before. I have never really cared about how my actions made anyone feel because no ones feelings mattered until now. Now when I say mean things I regret them instantly, but I can't stop. I kick my partner out when I'm terrified of him leaving. I push people away as soon as things get hard because I don't see them getting better. Every day I go through life pretending. Pretending to be normal, pretending to be happy. I am neither. I want to be both. I need help. I just want it all to be over. Soon my son won't be an excuse for me to stay alive.... Then what will I have to keep me here? I really hope this therapy works. I sincerely feel like it's the last thing I can try. If it doesn't work I'm going to have nothing left to fall back on. When I talked to my counselor she had asked if I ever attempted suicide. I have, and that's the scariest part. I know that I can get that low. I know I'd do it, and it's the scariest thing. God, give me the strength to not make a permanent decision. I have none right now and I don't know what to do anymore. I need Wednesday to come already. Wednesday I start my medication. Hopefully it'll help me balance the chemicals in my brain and I'll be semi-normal. If not at least make me a zombie. I'd rather walk around a shell of myself than fell any of this anymore.