entry two: everybody here wants you

I find it hard to distinguish between platonic and romantic love. There are a plethora of instances where, after the 'honeymoon' phase wears off, I realise that it was always just a want to be with them in a platonic way. But there has only been one exception. Just a disclaimer to people who know me in real life: it's not who you think it is. 

It's one of the most suffocating feelings I have ever experienced, because there is a part of me that feels sick knowing you interact with other people, and that I can only watch from afar. 

Maybe it's because I've created a version of you in my head that is just so unrealistically ideal? I find myself making stupid excuses to even catch a glimpse of you in the hallways, and my day somehow feels longer when you aren't there. And I know that we would get along so well because I notice. I want to know everything about you. It's the constant contradiction I feel of wanting something, but never moving towards it.

But I'm undeserving because everybody here wants you. There are so many people who feel the same way for you as I do. And unlike me, they have a plausible chance of being with you. 

I don't want to feel like it. I don't want to romanticise something that will never happen, but I do enjoy living in the world that I have created in my head. But this feeling has taken up my whole world. No matter how far I try walking away, it multiplies and gets stronger. And it's embarrassing, really, to be trapped by a feeling that has no place to go. The feeling grows even if it isn't being fed by anything but my own thoughts.

I don't know if I genuinely want you, or if I want the idea to be wanted by you. I don't know if this feeling is love or if it's my own loneliness forcing itself onto people who don't even know my name. And it consumes me. Maybe writing about it is the closest I'll ever come to being with you.