anxiety is a pain in the ass

i'm constantly stressed out and i think it's because of my anxiety. it's to the point my hair is falling out and every waking moment is an exhaustive nightmare. i've struggled with it since i was about 9, and it just seems to get worse and worse every year. i can't barely talk to my parents like a normal person anymore.

my parents are PERFECTLY aware of my issues regarding anxiety, but it still seems like they get overly frustrated by it. usually i reply to them in hums as it is the easiest thing for me, and they generally can understand me from it, but every once in a while they'll go "when i ask a question i expect an answer. with words." and its so beyond frustrating because, again, they KNOW i struggle with speaking. they're not being encouraging, they're just stressing me out.

they also do the "answer with words" thing when they make me drive. i recently got my learner's permit and every once in a while they make me drive as practice. my anxiety is at some of its worst when driving, i despise everything to do with it. when i drive, i can't speak whatsoever. my throat closes up and i'm just about one wrong move or word away from crying the entire time. before i got my permit, i broke down sobbing almost every time i was in the driver's seat before i even started the car. my dad has talked to me about my anxiety towards driving, but i feel like he thinks it's something i'm being dramatic over or i can get over easily, but i can't.

other than my parents, i've also had issues with my peers. i've joined a conceptual band with some of my friends in my art class, and we've already assigned positions to each other. i want to play the keyboard for it. issue is, i can't play the keyboard, nor even the piano. i talked about it with one of my classmates in my geometry class and they offered to teach me the piano during lunchtime. i agreed because if i actually want to do the band with my friends, i need to be able to play the instrument. i've talked to my classmate about it more, and we've finalized the agreement. the only thing that's making me anxious about this is that my classmate wants to lend me their keyboard so i can practice at home (they have an actual piano). i didn't want to take the keyboard because i just wanted to learn at school, and i also don't know how i'd explain to my dad how i acquired a keyboard when he picks me up from school. i couldn't bring this up to my classmate, i couldn't translate my thoughts into words, so i ended up just agreeing to take it whenever they decide to give it to me.

i feel socially inept compared to everyone. i have a different friend group that is in the majority of my classes with me, and i'm so jealous of how easy it is they talk to each other. their conversations are so natural and i sound like i'm randomly blurting something out just to add nothing to the topic. sometimes i feel as though they don't like me as much because of how weird i am. in my spanish class, they used to sit behind me, but now they've moved a row to the left. it's stupid and probably doesn't mean anything, but it hurt so much because it felt like i couldn't be included in whatever they were talking about because i was too far away. 

i feel so isolated and depressed and i have no idea what to do. my parents dont take my anxiety seriously so i cant seek help from a therapist, and i'm too terrified to ask anyway because im scared theyll think i'm crazy. im just stuck with no way to get better.