mental health

i think i can see my mental health deteriorating and the impact it has on my day-to-day life in real time and i can't do anything about it

i lost 2 credit cards this year, exploded my previous phone when i was in an episode, the one i had until this morning fell into a pool because i can't keep things in my hands without them falling

our amnesia and dissociation are getting worse as well

but i can't blame anyone or anything else but me

i'm the one who stopped seeing our therapist, who stopped taking our meds suddenly (and also took them back after a month or so without them, i felt my brain frying for the entire day)

i barely get anything done in life, i have no money, the only thing i can kinda do is drawing, but it's not gonna keep me alive now, is it?

i don't know how long i'm gonna last like this

i keep on drinking everyday, barely eating anything, taking meds then stopping then taking them again, smoking heavily, doing poppers and cutting like crazy

i'm slowly killing myself and i'm posting it online for the world to see

if i die one day and people start reading this blog, it would be fun to see my downfall to hell

i try my best to stay silly and shit, but i can barely hold on

i hate everything, i hate how weird i am and how i'll never be normal because of how fucked up my brain is, i hate being a system, i hate being ill, i hate it i hate it i hate it

sorry this was long, i don't have anywhere else to share this