her.

The fact that i still love her is what hurts.

I get she has issues with online relationships and i totally respect that but. I ache every single time she calls me just a friend. Every time she refers to her getting a future gf in a sense that it won't be me. Every time she matches with someone. Not even matching with multiple people, just changing the pfp over and over again with this one person. It hurts. I want her to myself. I love her so painfully much.

She used to talk about being excited for me to move there with her so we could go to college together but now she never mentions it anymore.. does she even want me around anymore??

I want to talk to her, to express myself but I'm scared.. what if she thinks I'm a creep. It's not like it'll do anything anyways, she still wouldn't date me even if she felt the same and then i would just go back to waiting .. and waiting .. and waiting .. and waiting .. and waiting .. and waiting .. and waiting. When will it ever be me? When will i ever be the one who gets to be loved..? I honestly have no purpose here anymore. I'm so intolerably lonely i can't take it. 

I can't do anything right, everyone is better off without me. I'm a failure. It is my fault isn't it.. the reason why no one loves me anymore. The reason why everything is falling apart. The reason why everything is going to shit in my life. It's all my fault. It's always been my fault. I'm just that of an unloveable person. No one will ever want me truly. 

Anyone whose "actually wanted me" constantly talked sexual to me when i hate that. They didn't want me. they wanted my body. but i guess that's also my fault right. It's all my fault. I shouldn't have been born.